


bruised knuckles and honey kisses

by holy1_hell1



Series: bruised knuckles and honey kisses [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, BAMF Buck, BAMF Eddie, Buck speaks Spanish, Canon Compliant, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, F/F, F/M, Hurt OC, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Past, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), SWAT, Tags Are Hard, U.S. Navy SEAL Evan "Buck" Buckley, no beta we die like men, so does eddie but it's very little, the author has used a lot of creative liberty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 35,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25462807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holy1_hell1/pseuds/holy1_hell1
Summary: the team doesn't know much about buck's past, and he'd like to keep it that way, they probably could count all the things they know about Buck before he joined the 118. It wasn't that he was ashamed of his past, it was just that talking about the past brought up memories he wanted to forget.ori'm a sucker for seal!buck and had to write one of my own
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Daniel "Hondo" Harrelson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Danny "Danno" Williams, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Steve McGarrett, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Original Male Character(s), other - Relationship
Series: bruised knuckles and honey kisses [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1912771
Comments: 83
Kudos: 915
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales, Navy SEAL!Evan "Buck" Buckley





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally supposed to be a 6K wish fic but i spiralled and wrote this. i just started watching hawaii five-0 so bear with me if the characters aren't written well, and i realised i wrote hondo more like derek morgan [cm] so uh yeah. i hope ya'll enjoy this! 
> 
> \+ i would recommend listening to as the world caves in by matt maltese for the 'last dance' part of the story cause that's what i was listening to when i wrote it, specifically the chorus

**THE TEAM DOESN'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT BUCK'S PAST,** and he'd like to keep it that way, they probably could count all the things they know about Buck before he joined the 118. It wasn't that he was ashamed of his past, it was just that talking about the past brought up memories he wanted to forget.

**\------**

Buck's cleaning the truck when he felt someone wrap their arms around his shoulders, years of training kicks and his body acts on its own accord. He drops the cloth and grabs the arms, kicking his foot behind the attackers and slams them on the floor, his knee pinning their chest.

"Hondo?" Buck breathes as realisation dawns on his face, "What the hell man?"

He doesn't get a response, not immediately anyway, all Hondo does is laugh at Buck confusion, "Didn't know you still had it in you Pit." 

"Now I'm just hurt," Buck laughs with him, removing his knee and getting up, offering his his hand to Hondo, who takes it without a complaint. "How long you here for?"

"How long-" Hondo cuts himself off, "Kid, I live here, LAPD SWAT, you're looking at Sergeant Harrelson team leader of 20 Squad. Now why don't you tell me why I didn't know you lived here?"

Buck rubs the back of his neck, it's not he didn't mean to _not_ tell him, it's just he didn't even know Hondo was here, "Look I didn't know you were here, after, well everything, I wanted a fresh start. But I swear if I knew you were here, I would've contacted you."

"Hey Pit, I know," Hondo reassures him, "So firefighter huh?" He gestures to the station.

"Yeah, I mean it's great, I still get to help people." 

"Yeah, yeah," Hondo agrees, "Except for the whole you know, getting pinned by a ladder truck in a bombing. You're glad I found that and not Steve. A call would've been nice Pit, I get that you had a lot going on, but watching that clip of you, god kid, I thought I was going to lose you again."

Buck pales at the mention of Steve and then pales even further when he think about Danny finding out, "I'm sorry Hondo, I really am, but please don't tell Steve, he'll probably tell Danny and the next thing you know I'm going to be on a flight out to Hawaii and not allowed to leave the house without being wrapped in bubble wrap."

"Ohh boy, it's too late for that, the only reason they're not out on a flight right now is because I'm here. Now is there anything else that's happened that I should know about, because we all know you won't tell until asked.

"I, um, I had a pulmonary embolism cause of the screws, and then I was on the pier the day the tsunami happened."

"I'm sorry what? A pulmonary embolism and a tsunami?"

"Please don't tell Steve, or Danno for that matter."

"Kid you must be insane if you think I'm not going to tell them, why didn't you tell us? You know what this is a conversation for some other time, but for now, I'm just glad you're okay."

"Hondo please-"

"Buck, who's that?" Bobby's voice rings out, interrupting them.

"C'mon up, let me show you my family." Buck gestures Hondo to follow him up, "Guys meet Hondo. Hondo meet the family, that's Eddie, Hen, Chim and Cap - Bobby." They all smile at him.

"Hondo?" Hen questions, eyebrows furrowing n confusion at the name.

Buck just laughs when he glares at him, "Sergeant Harrelson LAPD SWAT, but everyone calls me Hondo."

"LAPD SWAT? What trouble did Buck get into?" Chimney laughs.

"Nah, Pit's all good, met-"

"He helped me when I moved here, he was off duty." Buck interrupts, hoping that Hondo gets the message.

"Yeah, kid looked like he needed help so I offered." He adds without missing a beat, and Buck's eternally grateful, "Alright, I gotta head back to the station, but come over tonight, we gotta catch up Pit."

Buck nods enthusiastically and walks him down the stairs to the entrance of the station.

"Do they not know?" 

Buck shakes his head, "They know next to nothing, only that I tried out can dropped out cause I couldn't 'switch off' my emotions."

Hondo snorts in response, "Well we all know that's a lie, you were one of the best out there Pit, but I get why you left. You should tell them though, they're your family."

"I know," He rubs the back of his neck, "But there's so much I can't tell them, you know with everything being basically classified, questions are bound to come up and I don't know if I can handle that."

"I take it they don't know about Toni either then."

"No, no they don't."

"I'm not gonna say anything," Hondo explains, "But you should tell them, keeping this buried is going to kill you. I know how you feel but-"

"You don't though," Buck interjects, "You don't know what it's like hold the love of your life as they take their last breaths, I get that you're trying to help and I appreciate that, but you don't know how I feel."

**\------**

"Why'd he call him Pit? Why didn't he tell us about Hondo?" Eddie asks, hoping to keep jealousy out of his voice.

"I don't know and I don't know," Hen replies, placing her now empty coffee mug on the kitchen counter, "But, he seems like a nice guy-"

"You've known him a good 30 seconds Hen-" Eddie interrupts.

"Yeah, and so have you. Eddie, he's a LAPD SWAT Sergeant, how bad of a person can he be?"

Eddie just sighs and sits down, "You think he's gonna go to his for dinner?"

Chimney laughs, "Probably, by the looks of it, they haven't met in ages."

Eddie can't help but pout, didn't Buck trust them, why hasn't he ever mention him before?

"God Eddie stop pouting and help clean the dishes." Hen calls out for him.

"'m not pouting!"

"Mhmm, and the sky isn't blue."

**\------**

Buck watches as he sighs and drops his head in shame, "You're right Pit, I don't know and I'm sorry that you had to go through that. They're family and they're going to be there for you, so am I."

"Have you told your squad?"

"Bits, and before you call me out for being a hypocrite, they know about my Marine days, not my SEAL days. I'm working up to the SEAL days."

Buck just nods, he didn't have a pre-SEALS days, he just enrolled into the SEALS, he's kept it buried for years, he supposes it is time for them to know but he's just not ready, they barely got through the lawsuit, he doesn't want to scare them away, not just yet.

"You still up for tonight?" Hondo asks.

"Yeah," Buck's already excited, "Text me your address and what time you want me to come."

"You got it Pit." Hondo pulls Buck into a hug, and ruffles his hair for good measure.

"Hondo!" Buck whines as he lets go of him and gets his phone. Hondo just laughs in response and types his number into Buck before handing his phone to Buck. He quickly types his number and hands it back. "See you soon!"

Hondo laughs and waves goodbye, "Be there by 9!"

"Gotchu-" Buck's interrupted by the alarm ringing, he smiles, "Duty calls!" With that he was off, grabbing his turnout gear and getting into the truck.

"So Buck," Hen calls out, "Why haven't you mentioned that you were friends with a very good looking LAPD Sergeant?"

"It just never came up I guess," He replies, praying that she or anyone else for that matter, doesn't pry, but when has anything ever worked out for him.

"So you're not gonna come over tonight then?" Eddie asks.

Buck's smile drops and he realises that he was supposed to go over to Eddie's for dinner and a movie with Chris, "Shit! I completely forgot, I'll make it up tomorrow, promise!" He really needed to catch up with Hondo.

"It's cool," Eddie reassures him but his voice has a certain tone to it that he just can't place his finger on, "Old friends right?"

"Yeah, old friends." 

\------

The rest of the day was uneventful, with the occasional calls, there was only an hour left on his shift and then he was going to meet Hondo for dinner! He was clearing the table when his phone rang. Without checking the number he answers the call, putting his phone on speaker as he continued to clear the table.

"Buckley."

"Evan James Buckley!" The voice on the other end all but screamed, and Buck freezes, recognising the voice in a second.

"Hey Danno," Buck replies, quickly dropping everything in the sink and making his way back to the table to remove him off speaker.

"Don't you dare _'Hey Danno_ ' me! A phone call would've been nice, but no I had to find out you were crushed by a ladder truck in a bombing, had a pulmonary embolism as a result and were hit by a tsunami by Hondo!" Buck cringes as his voice rings out, even off speaker, Danny's voice was loud. "You are lucky Steve is here, otherwise I'd be over there dragging your ass back to Hawaii!"

"Danno-"

"Oh I am nowhere near done with you, you're going to shut up and listen."

Buck winces but accepts his fate nonetheless, he ignores the various looks his team's throwing and collapses on the sofa.

"It's been years Pit, yeah we get the letter every now and then but you're family kid," Danny explains, "We miss you and when Toni died, you did to, we lost you Pit, and now we actually nearly did lose you. You're like a son to Steve and therefore are a son to me," And boy if that didn't hurt Buck, "Just please tell us when something like that happens, you know we'd be there in a heartbeat."

"I know," Buck replies, "But you have your own lives in Hawaii-"

"And? You're family kid! If you think for a second we wouldn't fly out to L.A. to see you then I will fly out there and knock some sense into that thick skull of yours! We love you kid."

"Danno, I know, I love you guys too." Buck's voice is loud in the quiet room, and he winces internally, knowing he's going to get questioned as soon as he's off the phone.

"Alright, Steve looks like he's about to murder me if I don't give him the phone."

Buck laughs, "He always looks like he's going to murder you."

"Pit, I don't know whether to kill you or never let you out of my sight again." Steve breathes, "I saw the video, and it felt like it was Libya all over again, please, don't ever keep things like that from us."

He didn't even stop to consider that, and guilt settles onto him, "Steve, oh my god-"

"It's not your fault, don't you even think about it, we all know why you left and we don't blame you, you needed a fresh start, one which Toni would've wanted - that's why you went to L.A.! How did I not realise that?"

"You know, for someone as smart as you, you're quite dumb." 

"Watch it Pit or else I'll sic Danno on you!"

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry, just don't sic Danno on me, he'll wrap me bubble wrap every time I take a step out of the house." 

Buck lets out an ugly laugh when he hears Danno's _'You're damn right I will!'_

"How's my Gracie?"

He can hear a little scuffle and then Danny's voice filters through the phone, "She's fine, she misses her Pit."

"Well tell her that I miss her too, and that I love her."

"I will, only if you promise to call more often, because if you don't, I know where you live and you best believe that I'm going to come over there."

"Dear god you're worse than Maddie, alright look my shift's about to end and I have to clock out, we'll talk soon alright?"

"Bye Pit!"

"Bye Steve, bye Danno."

As soon as he ends the call, the rest of the team surround him, and he can tell the questions are practically burning in their mouths.

"Who's Danno? Who's Steve? Who's Gracie?" Eddie asks, and Buck's sure he hears some form of jealousy, or so he thinks.

"They're family friends and Grace's my goddaughter." 

Buck doesn't miss the way Eddie's shoulder sag with relief (maybe he's not imagining things).

"How come Maddie's never mention them to me before?" 

He's really glad that Maddie found Chim, he really is but at this very moment he wanted nothing more than to throttle the man, "They're closer to me than they are to Maddie."

"How come _you've_ never mentioned them to us?" Bobby asks.

"They've never come up in conversation."

"But by the looks of it you guys seem pretty close," Chim adds, and god the idea of strangling him just seems so attractive.

"We are," Buck thinks about his next words carefully, he can't tell them the truth, not yet at least, he's not ready to face everything, "It's just, things didn't end in the best of terms when I left, so I never really mentioned them."

"Everything's good now?" It's Hen who talks this time, her concern clear as day on her face.

He nods, "Now if this interrogation is over, I've got a dinner to get ready for."

"Buck what were their names again?" Bobby asks.

"Oh, Steve and Danny."

"Their full name?" 

Buck frowns, and then makes the connection, Bobby was going to have Athena run a background check, he hides a smile, they're not going to find anything but he can't help humour Bobby, "Steve McGarret and Daniel Williams, why?"

"No reason," Bobby's reply is too quick and Buck's suspicions are confirmed. He'd be impressed if Athena found out anything before Five-0 but he doubts it, they were Special Ops for a reason.

**\------**

Buck felt odd standing in front of the SWAT HQ, it was comforting yet uncomfortable at the same time - he wanted to surprise Hondo, like he did to Buck but standing outside, he felt like a little kid.

"Are you gonna stand there all day or are you going to come in?" A voice calls out, Buck nearly jumps but mages to compose himself, the man's old, but fit, he has greying hair and a beard to match.

"Sorry," Buck apologises, "I, uh, I'm looking for Hondo - Sergeant Harrelson." He corrects himself quickly.

"You Pit?"

Buck manages not to frown at the nickname coming out of the man's mouth, "Yeah, but everyone calls me Buck."

"Alright Buck, I'm Sergeant Kay but call me Deacon, any family of Hondo is family to us. C'mon, follow me."

Buck relaxes and follows Deacon through the front door into the HQ, he can't help but marvel at everything- is this what Chris felt like when he walks into the station?

"Buck?" A voice calls out.

He's surprised to find Jim Street of all the people, "Street?"

He can't help smile when Street hugs him, "Long time no see man!" He says once Buck lets go of him.

"Didn't know you got back into SWAT." Buck replies, truly astonished to see the cop here.

"You two know each other?" Deacon's voice cuts through.

"Yeah, I met him when I was a beat cop," Street explains, "He was like an actual golden retriever."

Buck blushes furiously and then some when Hondo's voice joins, "You could say that again, funny seeing you again."

"Hey Hondo!" Buck smiles, and hugs the older man, "It's only fair I get to see where you work."

Hondo just shrugs in response, "I see you've met Deacon and Street, that's Tan, Luca and Chris," He gesture to the remains members of 20 Squad. 

"Hey, Eddie's kid's name is Chris! He's 8 and an actual ray of sunshine."

They all smile at him, "So, how'd you know Hondo?"

"Oh-" 

"We served together," Buck replies, cutting thought whatever Hondo was going to say, he doesn't care if they don't like him after, he could afford to lose them, not the team, and unlike them, Buck puts together they won't ask him too many questions.

If Hondo was surprised at Buck's answer, he doesn't show it, "One of the best damn people I've served with."

Buck once again blushes.

"Jeez kid, how old are you?" Luca asks.

"'m 29, joined when I was 17."

"Damn," Stree whistles, "Didn't know they allowed 17 year olds in the Marines."

"Navy SEALS actually." Hondo cuts in.

"I'm sorry did you just say Navy SEALS?" Tan's voice is laced with what sounds like confusion and admiration, it makes Buck smile shyly.

He just nods in response. 

"Buck and I were on the same team," Hondo explains, "He joined before me, our CO handpicked people, that's where I met him."

"Didn't know you were in the SEALS boss," Chris adds.

Hondo just shrugs in response, "A story for another time, I promise. We'll see you guys later, I have to catchup with Pit here." He ruffles Buck's hair who in response swats his hand away.

"Pit?" Street asks, confusion clear on his face.

"It's the nickname they gave me." Buck explains, "Apparently I'm as aggressive as a pitbull but just as loving."

They all look at him for a second and then Luca speaks, "I don't know you well enough kid but you sure as hell ain't aggressive."

It's Hondo who laughs, "Cause you ain't seen in him action, kid's got a mean right hook," Hondo drapes his hand across his shoulders, "You ain't ever seen a fighter like him, and as much as I would love to stand here singing his praises, we gotta go and I have to make sure his ego isn't getting any bigger."

Buck laughs and he can't help but remember the times he had with the old team, "You wound me Hondo."

"It's my job to keep you in check, now let's go."

Buck follows Hondo out, "Before we go back to yours, there's someone I want you to meet."

"Who?"

"Just follow me."

Hondo frowns but doesn't complain and Buck's glad, he doesn't know if he could keep it in him.

They pull up to the destination in 20 minutes and Buck can't help but smile at the confused look on Hondo's face. He motions for him to follow him, Buck loves coming here, it's one of the only places in the world where he would willingly spend forever at. 

"What are we doing at a retirement home kid?"

"You'll see, now stop asking questions and follow me."

He makes sure to wave at everyone as they walk down the hall, some look pleasantly surprised to see him, which makes sense given that he's only here on Sundays or Tuesdays. 

" _Hola mamá!"_ Buck greets, hugging the old woman sitting on the couch.

"Evan, _mi hijo, qué haces aquí?"_ _[Evan, my son, what are you doing here?]_

Whatever stress Buck had, just melted way hearing her voice, " _Quiero que conozcas a alguien mamá."_ He grabs Hondo's hand pulls him into view of the lady, " _Mamá conocer Hondo_." _[I want you to meet someone mama. Mama, meet Hondo]_

"Hi," He awkwardly waves.

"Hondo, do not tell me you've forgotten me." Her accent laden voice chides him, "I expected better from someone who could not stop eating my _Aji de Gallina." [Peruvian dish of chicken stew and spices]_

"Mrs. A _lvarez?"_ Hondo breathes as realisation dawns on his face.

" _Sí,_ how are you? And please, how many time do I have to tell you to call me Aleena?"

"I'm sorry, I'm fine Aleena, how are you?"

"I'm better now that I see the rest of Toni's family." Her hands reaching out to Bucks, clasping them tightly, " _Gracias hijo."_

_"Te amo mamá,"_ He places a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"What are you doing here Hondo?"

"Oh, I work here, LAPD SWAT. I didn't know Buck - Evan lived here until today, I didn't even know you were here."

"I see, of course you boys would run towards danger. Toni would be proud of you two." She comments, her hand rubbing Buck's. He doesn't pay attention to whatever Hondo and her are talking about now, instead he mulls over her words, if Toni was here would he be a firefighter or would he have been doing something else? He came to L.A. because it was Toni's home, but now, it was his and part of him yearns for what could've been; it could've been _theirs._ He got to make the life that he would've wanted with Toni, and a part of him is proud but the other part just wants him back. He keeps going, he keeps fighting so that he could live for the two of them.

" _Bein entonces, tenemos que ir ahora mamá."_ Buck interrupts, _"Volveré mañana." [Alright then, we have to go now mama, I'll come back tomorrow.]_

"Okay _mijo_ , see you then," She places a kiss on his head, "And you, take care of my son."

" _Mamá,"_ Buck whines feeling like a child again.

Hondo just laughs and promises her to look after him.

"I didn't know she was here."

"Yeah, I,uh, I wanted to make sure she had a place after she nearly broke her shoulder."

"No, I mean I didn't know she was in L.A."

"Oh," Buck realises, "I just couldn't leave her alone, she was his mother, and well my mother-in-law. What kind of son would I be if I left her all alone?"

"You're a good kid Evan, we're lucky to have you." Hondo claps his back, "Do you still visit him?"

"Yeah, I try to go once a week before my shift, tell him about everything." Buck doesn't even realise he has tears in eyes until Hondo stops and pulls him in for a hug, "I miss him so much Hondo, I miss him everyday."

"I know you do kid."

"This is not the place to have this conversation, let's go to your house and maybe you could make me your famous meatball and spaghetti."

"I'm starting to think you only want me for my food."

"Shit! You've caught onto me!"

**\------**

"Daddy where's Bucky?"

Of course that's the question that Chris asks when Eddie walks through the door.

"Buck couldn't make it today," Eddie explains, dropping his bag on the sofa and crouching in front of his son, "An old friend of Buck's came to visit and they've gone to eat dinner together, but Buck promised to come tomorrow."

"Oh," Chris observes, "Okay, can we still have pizza for dinner?"

" _Ay mijo,_ you know I'm no good in the kitchen, I'll probably burn the house down. How about this, we heat up yesterdays' pasta and then we can make pizza with Buck tomorrow?"

"Okay!" With that Christopher walks towards the dining table and waiting for Eddie to give him dinner.

Eddie reheats the pasta and places it in front of his son before getting a plate of his own. Eddie nods along to Chris's rambling, adding in his contribution where appropriate but he wasn't paying attention, not really, his mind was racing. He couldn't stop thinking about today, why had Buck never mentioned anyone of them before, Buck talks a lot and the fact that they never came up before seems a bit suspicious to Eddie. How the hell does he just know a LAPD SWAT Sergeant, he knows it's not what Buck said, he know his best friend like the back of his hand and can tell when he's easily lying to them. So why the hell did Buck lie? Does he not trust them, _him?_

_**\------** _

"I have never heard Buck talk about these people ever." Bobby says as he sets the table, "He knows a LAPD SWAT Sergeant, and they were talking like they were old friends. And then, he gets a call right, and he gets yelled, well more scolded at but still, something about flying out to Hawaii - I thought he was from Pennsylvania, how does he know people from Hawaii?"

"Bobby, baby, you need to calm down, there's gotta be a reason that Buck hasn't told us about them. Would it make you feel better if I looked into them?"

Bobby nods guiltily, it's not that he doesn't trust Buck, it's that he doesn't trust the other people.

"What were their names again?"

"Sergeant Harrelson, Steve McGarret and Daniel Williams."

Athena nods and type their names, "Okay I've heard about Harrelson, he's a good man but McGarret and Williams? They're infamous amongst us, they run a task force in Hawaii, The Five-0, I don't know how Buck knows them but Bobby they're known for having dangerous calls and cases, like international cartels and mafias."

Bobby frowns and worry sets deep into his bones, he loves Buck like a son and he knows Athena does too, "How does hell does he know them Athena?"

**\------**

"I forgot how good of a cook you are." Buck comments as he finishes up the last of his pasta.

"Now you wound me kid," Hondo laughs, "Who the hell fed you animals during our ops? That's right, me."

"Jeez, alright, I'm sorry."

Buck's phone buzzes on he counter, he frowns no one texts him during this hour.

**_eddie:_ **

**_what time are you coming tomorrow?_ **

_me:_

_after the shift?_

**_eddie:_ **

**_alright cool_ **

**_heads up though, we're baking pizza - chris's request_ **

_me:_

_of course, you however will stay far away from the kitchen. don't want you burning the house down_

**_eddie:_ **

**_ouch_ **

"Who you texting kid?"

"Oh, just Eddie, Chris wants to bake pizza." Buck explains, "'m just warning Eddie to stay away from the kitchen, that man could not cook even if he had a gun to his head."

"So Eddie huh?" Hondo's voice is suggestive and Buck frowns in confusion.

"What about him?"

"Jeez kid you're so dense," Hondo mutters, "You were looking at him the way you looked at Toni." 

"I - what - no!" Buck splutters, "He's just a friend."

"Right," Hondo says, clearly unconvinced.

"Hondo please."

Buck watches as he drops onto the sofa next to him, "Alright kid, some other time. Tell me about your life in L.A."

Buck does, he talks about his phase, Abby, Ali, the bombing, the tsunami, the lawsuit, he talks and talks and talks. He didn't even realise he was crying again until the salty trail made its way to his lips.

"Evan," Hondo breathes and that's when Buck knows it serious, he never calls him by his first name, "Kid, why didn't you ever reach out?"

Buck just shrugs, "I don't know, you guys had your own lives before me and after, didn't want to bother you - I know I can be exhausting sometimes."

"Evan, no, you're family, we're brothers in everything but blood and I am so sorry for not trying to contact you. I don't know who told you that you were exhausting. but they're wrong, you're one of the best people I know, you always put others first and I'm sorry you ever felt like that."

"No, no, don't apologise, that's a two way street, I should've reached out."

"Okay, how about this, next time anything like that ever happens, you call us okay? Can be me, Steve or Danno, okay?"

Buck nods and hugs the older man, and he holds on tight, afraid to lose his brother again.

"One day I'll give the 118 a piece of my mind, tell them to treat you right, but c'mon man a lawsuit really?"

Buck laughs and shakes his head, "Not you too, it took everything in me to stop _mamá_ from marching into the station and tearing them a new one, I realised I was dumb and shouldn't have done that, don't worry _mamá_ did talk some sense into me."

"What the hell Pit, why? I'm glad she's here, lord knows who's going to keep you in check."

"I mean I would've had to explain why a random Peruvian woman was yelling at them, and trust me, you do not want to be in the receiving end of _mamá's_ scolding and then I would've tell them about everything and we both know I'm not ready for that."

Hondo just sighs, "Touché, brother, but hey I've always got your six."

They spend the next two hours talking and Buck's glad that Hondo reached out to him. He missed him, he missed the old team and their missions and well everything basically. He doesn't realise that until he's in his apartment where the silence is deafening. He's once again struck by the loneliness, there was a time where he would've enjoyed the silence but now, it's maddening. It reaches out and grabs him, wraps it's vile hand around his and holds him hostage, it rips apart everything good that he has and then rips him up, tears him apart piece by piece until there's nothing but shards of who he used to be. 

He climbs up the stairs and changes into sweatpants before falling into bed. He blindly reaches out and opens the drawer, groping for the key. Once he finds it, he gets back up and walks towards his closet, pushing aside the clothes and unlocking the small safe sitting in the back. It opens with a small _click_ and Buck pulls out the contents. A sob is ribbed from his throat, he falls onto his bed once again, fingers stroking the photo and the two golden rings resting on the photo. It was their wedding day, Buck hand holding onto Toni's as he leans in for a kiss. He slides his ring on and whatever was holding him back broke and the tears just kept on coming. HIs body ached for him, his heart ached for him, he ached for him. He enjoys the weight on his hand and for a moment he's back with Toni.

_"I can't believe we're getting married!" Buck exclaims, threading his fingers through Toni's._

_"I told you I was going to tie you down cariño," Toni says as he places a kiss on his forehead, "Mamá's ecstatic you know? Wouldn't shut up about you last night."_

_"What can I say, I just have that Buckley charm."_

_"Speaking of Buckley's, is your sister coming?"_

_Buck frowns, she hadn't replied to his invitation, "I don't know she never responded."_

_"It's okay mi vida," Toni soothes, "I would get married in a dumpster if meant I could marry you."_

_"That's oddly romantic yet gross."_

Buck sobs even harder, removing the ring and placing it on the photo. His mind playing the memories he kept buried for so long. He knows he won't fall asleep, he gets up and places the photo and rings back into the safe before locking it and putting the key back in the drawer. 

He grabs his jacket and locks the apartment door, stuffing his key and phone into the pocket he walks to the cemetery. It takes him nearly 20 minutes but he doesn't mind, he welcomes the hustle of L.A. as walks down the familiar path. He stands in front of the grave, the headstone was still surrounded by the flowers he placed the day before.

"I miss you Toni," Buck whimpers, sitting down, "I miss you so much every damn day but I keep fighting, for you and _mamá_. I met Hondo today, and talked to Steve and Danno, but you don't know Danno, you would've loved him. He's to Steve like what you were to me. I made Hondo meet _mamá_ as well, they talked for a bit but I didn't really pay attention, I was too busy thinking about you and the life we could've had. I think you would've been a firefighter as well, maybe even work at the same station as me." Buck inhales deeply as tears threaten to fall, "You would've loved Eddie as well, he's my partner, served in the Army but I already told you this. I think I like him, like I liked you. I swear he getting jealous of Grace, but maybe that's just my mind projecting things on him. He's a little rough 'round the edges but he's a good man, he lost his wife too you know? Again, I've already told you this, I don't know why I'm telling you again. I think it's cause I miss talking to you. I was looking at our wedding photos, and I realised why Maddie hadn't come, it was because of Doug. You would've kicked his ass no doubt, I should bring her to see you sometime."

Buck stands up from his positions, his bad leg cramping up a bit, "I love you Toni, I love you so much _cariño_."

He takes a step back only to nearly loose his balance, "Fuck!" He curses as his leg starts to hurt even bad. There was no way he could walk home. 

"I guess you'll be meeting her sooner than I intended." 

He dials Maddie's number and waits for her to pick up.

"Evan?" Her groggy voice filters through the speaker, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just need a ride. Please don't tell anyone though."

"Okay, okay, where are you?" Her voice is now devoid of sleep and filled with concern.

"At the cemetery, the one near my house."

"Why the hell are you at a cemetery at 4 in the morning?"

"Maddie please, I'll explain later."

"Fine, I'll be there soon." With that she hangs up on him and Buck's once again left alone, well not completely alone, he as the company of his dead husband and a hundred other dead strangers.

"Don't think I don't know you what you're trying do," He points his finger accusingly at the headstone, "I know you want to meet Maddie, should've guessed you'd do something like this, you were a stubborn son of a bitch."

Not even 20 minutes later Maddie's there, she's wrapped in a sweater and still in sweatpants, her bump slightly showing.

"Buck what the hell are you doing here?" She whispers.

"Oh nothing much, just visiting my dead husband." Buck can't help laugh at the statement, it sounds manic to his ears, "Maddie meet Antonio Diego Alvarez, Toni meet Madeline Ava Buckley."

"Buck are you drunk?" She steps closer, clearly trying to smell him.

"God I wish, but no Mads, I'm not drunk, I'm just sad. I miss my husband."

"Right," She says slowly, trying to understand him, "How long have you been married?"

"Would've been 10 years this year if the bastard hadn't decided to sacrifice himself." 

"Evan, you're telling me you've had a husband for almost a decade and you never told me or anyone for that matter."

"I sent you an invitation to the wedding," Buck explains holding onto her as he limps back to her car, "Doug probably threw it away."

"Buck this isn't something you should be joking about, I hope you know that."

"Mads, god, why would I lie about being married?"

She doesn't say anything, and instead forces him into her car and puts his seatbelt on for him, clearly still under the assumption that he was still drunk. The drive to his apartment was quiet and the apartment even more so, but he had Maddie with him so he kept his mouth shut and screamed at his brain for ruining it.

"Stay here, I'm gonna find the hot compress." She instructs as she heads to the kitchen.

"Bring it upstairs Mads, I need to show you something."

5 minutes later, Maddie's there holding the hot compress against his calf as he lets out a breath of relief. He wordlessly hands her the photos and rings in exchange. He watches her rifle through the photo, eyes tearing up as she came across the one that was taken on their wedding day.

"I'm so sorry Buck-"

"It wasn't your fault Maddie, you didn't know and I don't blame you. I never did, sure it hurt when I didn't get a reply but I understand now and that's what matters." He interrupts her, not wanting her to feel guilty.

"How did you two meet?" She asks, wiping away her tears as she gives the photos and rings back.

"Navy SEALS." He asks.

"I thought you dropped out."

"Well," He drags out, "I didn't, I passed my qualification and was the top of my class. I was so good in fact that I was handpicked to be a part of a Special Ops team. Toni was one of the other members of my team, we clicked instantly, he was the stability that I needed. We started dating a few months after and got married a two years later."

"Okay," She breathes, "There's so much to unpack here. You were a Navy SEAL on a Special Ops team and you met your husband. God, how out of the loops was I?"

He places his hadn't over her, "Mads, no, you couldn't have known, I couldn't tell anyone - I _haven't_ told anyone, you're the first person outside my team who knows, well unless you count _mamá_."

"Mama?"

"Toni's mum, well my mum."

"Is there anything you could tell me about your team?" She asks tentatively.

"Yeah," He dismisses her concern, "There were six of us, me, Toni, Hondo, Steve, Eve and Aliya. We were together for 9 years before the team disbanded."

"So that's who they are, Chim was telling me about them."

"What did you say about Steve?"

"I lied I knew you wouldn't have lied unless you really need to."

"God Mads, thank you so much."

"Anytime Ev," She pats his cheek, "Anytime, now how about you tell me more about your team, or whatever you can."

"Well, I was called Pit, Toni was Gold, Daniel was Hondo, Eve was Viper, Steve was Smooth Dog and Aliya was Hem."

"Why the names? How'd you even get the names?"

"I can tell you mine and Hondo's the others are based off of classified missions that I really can't say anything about," Buck explains, "I was called Pit cause I was as aggressive as a Pit Bull when provoked and Hondo's was based of his last name - he was the only one who got a relatively normal name now that I think about it."

She laughs in response, "Thank you for telling me this."

"I think I've kept it buried long enough," He answers, "I want you to meet _mamá_ tomorrow before our shifts."

"I would be honoured to meet her."

"Mads could you not tell anyone? I need to tell them on my own."

"Of course Evan," Maddie reassures him, "It's your story and I would never."

"Thank you so much."

She smiles at him, "Alright, why don't you go to bed, I'll take the sofa downstairs and then you can take me to meet _mamá."_

"Mads, no, you take the bed, I'l take the sofa."

"Buck-"

"Mads, it's the least I can do, and I really don't want to hear Chimney going at me for letting his pregnant girlfriends sleep on my sofa."

She laughs, and Buck's happy to have his sister back in his life, "Alright fine, but I'll be making breakfast."

"No complaints to that." Buck surrenders as he slides of bed. He grabs the photos and rings and puts them back in the safe. He puts the key back in the drawer, "Night Maddie."

"Night Buck." 

Buck wakes up to the mouthwatering smell of bacon and eggs. He pushes the blanket off and rubs the sleep away from his eyes; Maddie was in the kitchen cooking but he could tell something was off, she was moving on autopilot, the easy rhythm that she had wasn't there instead she was stiff, almost robot like.

"Mads?"

"Oh my god! Way to scare a girl Evan." She laughs.

"Everything okay?"

Buck watches her contemplate, her mouth opening once, twice before she finally speaks, "It didn't hit me 'till this morning I know so little about you, I didn't even know you were married until I had to pick up from your dead husband's grave. I don't even know your favourite colour, how can I call myself your sister?"

"Maddie, no," He can't keep the pleading tone of his voice, Maddie was the best sister anyone could've asked for, "No one knows about the SEALS cause it's all classified, only 7 people know and 5 of them were involved and it doesn't matter if you know my favourite colour or not, knowledge doesn't define our relationship, it never has and never will."

"But still-"

"What do I do when I'm stressed?"

"What?"

"Just answer the question."

"You work out, sometimes you lift weights other times you like to that overpriced MMA gym and fight, it depends on how stressed out you are." She answers without missing a beat.

Buck smiles, "See, you know me, I don't care if you know my favourite colour or not. You _know_ me, because our relationship is based off of experiences, yo practically raised me before you got married. You're the best sister anyone could've asked for and I don't want you thinking anything less."

She pulls him in for a hug and holds him tight, Buck can't find it in him to complain like he normally would. He's in his sister's arm, after everything they've been through, they're both alive and kicking it.

"Alright, I'm gonna get ready and I'll eat. Your clothes are in the second drawer."

"Second? They used to be in the first drawer."

"Oh yeah, Eddie's are in the first drawer, he always complained about the second one. I don't know why, I checked it and it works fine." Buck replies, trying to his best to act nonchalant.

"So Eddie has a drawer in your apartment?" Her tone was suggestive and Buck knows he's the only one to blame.

"Yeah, when Chris isn't with him, he drops by and usually ends up staying the night." He's trying his best not to blush or smile too fondly but it's to no avail, Maddie could always read him like a book.

"You know denying it won't solve anything right?"

"I know," He huffs, running his hands through his hair to distract himself, "But it does push it back and then I don't have to deal with it."

"You know he likes you back right?"

Buck can't help but laugh at her statement, "Please, we both know Eddie's as straight as they come."

"Did he tell you that?"

"I - no, he was married to Shannon."

"And? You dated Abby, Ali, and from what Chim's told me, hooked up with different girls, yet you were married to a man."

Buck opens his mouth once, twice, three times to counter her but he can't come up with anything so he settles for the age old insult, "Fuck you."

Maddie's laugh is loud and echoes through the apartment, "I love you to Evan."

20 minutes later, they were in Maddie's car except Buck was the one driving. 

"Toni died in my arms," He says abruptly, if the radio was on, there was no way she would've heard him.

In an instant Maddie's hand is on his shoulder, her voice soothing and clam, "Buck, no you don't have to."

"I have to Mads, I _need_ to," He clenches the steering wheel tight and takes in a deep breath to settle his nerves, "We were on an Op, supposed to be standard, but the target, he was more prepared that we thought. One thing led to another and the next thing you know half the team is injured, Eve and Aliya died within minutes of the attack. Toni wasn't that lucky, we managed to get him stabilised but it was too late by the time we reached the base - he wasn't going to make it through the night," Tears blurred his vision but wipes them away quick, eyes focused on the road, "He said she didn't want to die like that, so I held him and felt the life leave his body."

_"Evan, cariño, por favor, not like this," Toni begs, his voice hoarse and every bit pleading._

_Who was Buck to deny a dying man's wish? He lifts him off the bed and holds him, he's practically carrying Toni at this point. They sway, it doesn't matter if there's no music, this was the last time Buck could ever do this, he wasn't going to bother with semantics._

_"I love you so much," Toni breathes out, if Buck hadn't been holding him he would've never heard it, "I need you to promise me you'll look after mamá, and promise me you'll look after yourself, let yourself be happy, don't let me be the last one you love. Promise me Evan, promise me."_

_"I promise, Toni, I promise," He rests his head on Toni's, the swaying more gentle. He holds him upright and holds him tight, he can feel every shallow breath and every breath that seemed to get shorter and shorter until it stopped. He continued to hold him, keeps him close, his body the only source of warmth that Buck wanted. He cries and screams until his voice is hoarse, Hondo and Steve have to pry him away from Toni's cold body._

"I - I had no idea Evan," Maddie has her won set of tears as she rubs his hand, "I'm so sorry."

He shrugs in response, not knowing what to say. Maddie was the first one to know about what happened, even _mamá_ doesn't know - she doesn't need to know - there was a sense of relief to saying it out loud, he never had to explain it to anyone, the only other people who know were there, they were the one who had to drag Buck away from the lifeless body of his husband. 

"Eve and Aliya wanted their ashes scattered," Buck tells Maddie, it's not like she's going to tell anyone, "They were together as well, they'd been married a month before they died. Aliya was my best friend, she was the one who gave me the courage to ask Toni out. Eve was like the little sister I never had, you would've loved them," He laughs, "After that mission our team disbanded, can't really have a top notch team if half of them died. We buried Toni and then flew out to scatter their ashes, Aliya wanted it to be done at her hometown in India. We stayed there for a week with her family and then we came back. Hondo went back to the Marines after that, I roamed the world for a couple months before going to Hawaii, Steve was there, running a task force with his partner, Danny. I stayed there for close to 8 months before I left, I couldn't stay there, not without Toni - he always wanted to go to Hawaii and staying there it felt like I was betraying him. So I flew to Peru to go meet _mamá_ , she was a godsend, treated me like her own son, gave me a place to stay. I looked after her, and when I realised what I wanted to do, I asked her to come with me to L.A., it didn't take much convincing." 

"Thank you Buck," Maddie replies, "Thank you for telling me about this, for allowing me back into your life, even after I abandoned you."

"You didn't abandon me, you were running away from our parents, I get that, I did too."

The drive was silent after that, Buck is grateful for the life he built here in L.A., he had a new family, a family that he built and he was happy after a long time. After Toni died, Buck felt hollow, he chased after women because chasing men felt like he was betraying Toni. He slept around to ignore the ache in his heart, it was easy to forget the pain when he slept with people, easy to forget that he held the dying man in his arms and watched the life drain out of him. Buck blamed himself at first but as the years went by and the more he talked to rest of the team, he realised there was nothing he could've done to prevent it. It took him a long time but he accepted it eventually. He never would've thought to imagine a life without Toni, Buck was the reckless one, the one who always took the unnecessary risk, he was the one who was supposed to die, it was a behavioural trait that carried onto his time in the 118, - he was driven by the need to protect those he loved, he'd done far more dangerous things during missions than he'd even done in L.A., things that would've made the train rescues look like a walk in the park. He couldn't be that reckless anymore, he's been trying to be less reckless, he's got to think about Maddie and _mamá_ and everyone else now, he had to think of Eddie and Christopher. But he would lay his life down if it meant that they'd survive, he loved Eddie and Christopher. It took some time for Buck to come to terms with his feelings with Eddie, Buck hadn't fallen in love with a man since Toni, it was different with Abby, she'd help bring back the Buck that he so desperately pushed away. Eddie made him want to continue improving, continue growing as a person, he made him feel the way Toni did, if not more. He reminded him of Toni, the military swagger, the humbleness only fuelled his longing for Toni, so he deflected, acted brashly and was basically a dick, because it was easier. 

"We're here," Buck announces as he pulls up to the parking spot. He keeps glancing at Maddie who seems, gauging her reaction to everything. 

"Morning Muriel," Buck greets the receptionist, she was a kind old woman who gave Buck mints every time he came.

"Morning Buck," She greets him, handing him two mints once she sees Maddie, "Ooo, who's this?"

"This is my sister Maddie, I brought her to meet _mamá."_ Buck explains as he introduces her.

"Ah, well it's a pleasure to meet you Maddie."

"It was a pleasure to meet you too Muriel."

Buck waves her goodbye and walks towards the main hall, Maddie closely trailing behind him.

"How often do you visit her?" 

"I try to come every day before my shift but sometimes life gets in the way." Buck answers, "C'mon she's by the window."

Buck picks up his pace and walks towards her, " _Hola mamá,_ ¿ _cómo estás?" [Hi mama, how are you?]_

_"_ Evan _, estoy bien,_ ¿ _y tú?" [Evan, I'm good, how are you?]_

_"Mejor ahora que estoy contigo, te trage una sorpresa." [Better now that I'm with you, I brought you a surprise.]_

_"Ay,_ _sabes que no me gustan las sorpresas_." [ _Ay, you know I don't like surprises.]_

" _Prometo que no es nada malo,"_ Buck reassures her, _"Mamá, esta es Maddie, mi hermana." [I promise you it's nothing bad. Mama, this is Maddie, my sister."_

_"_ Hi Mrs. Alvarez." She waves.

"Ah about time he brought you here," She laughs, "And none of that Mrs. Alvarez _huevadas,_ you're Evan's family, Evan is my son and you are now my family, call me _mamá_."

"Okay _mamá_ ," She laughs, "Thank you for being there for him.' 

"Oh please, I love this boy, when Toni brought home this _idiota_ , I didn't know what to expect but he was a pure ball of joy, I knew from that day he would be my son." She ruffles his hair, "He was there for me too, after Toni died, Evan made sure to remind me that I wasn't alone. He talks about you a lot, you're a brave woman Maddie, it took a lot of ¿ _còmo se dice agallas en inglès?"_ She turns to Buck.

"Guts."

"Ah yes, it took a lot of guts to do what you did and I am so proud of you," She places a hand on Maddie's shoulder.

Buck watches Maddie blink away tears, "I - thank you."

She waves her hand, "Nonsense, now tell me about your baby."

"I just entered the second trimester, and don't get me wrong, I am so excited to have a baby but my feet and back hurt so bad and don't even get me started on morning sickness"

"I know the feeling, when I was carrying Toni, my feet would get very swollen. You should try those compression stocking and, ay, Evan ¿ _còmo se dice la compressa fría en inglès?"_

"Cold compress."

"Yes that, they work wonders."

"I'll try that, thank you."

"No need to thank me _mjia._ "

"Not that I don't love hearing pregnancy tips but I've only got 20 minutes before my shift starts." Buck adds.

" _¡Ten cuidado Evan!"_ [ _Be safe Evan!_ ]

" _Siempre mamá."_ [ _Always mama_ ]

Buck can't help laugh at her glare, _"No me mientas Evan."_ [ _Don't lie to me Evan_.]

" _Adios, te amò."_

_"Adios,_ goodbye Maddie, I'll see you soon no?"

"Of course." Maddie replies, going in for a handshake only to be pulled into a heartwarming hug.

With that Buck leads them out of the room and into Maddie's car.

"I didn't know you could speak Spanish." She comments as she puts on her seatbelt.

"You gotta know languages if you wanna be on a Special Ops team Mads."

"How many do you know?" 

"Excluding English, I can fluently speak 5 and understand the basics in 3 others."

"Wow," Maddie breathes, awe written on her face.


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck blinks awake, everything slowly starting to come into focus. He can taste the blood in his mouth and there's definitely a bruise forming on his face. He spits out the blood and takes in his surroundings, it's a plain room: the walls are grey and there's no furniture, save for the seat that he's strapped to, the leather restraints digging into his skin. There's a single light hanging from the ceiling, it dangles just above him, it's not a harsh light, in fact, it barely lights up the room. There are no windows, and he can't see any vents either, the room is also void of cameras.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait but holy shit this is literally the biggest fic i've ever written.
> 
> 30K+ words oh my 
> 
> i hope you guys enjoy this
> 
> also i pictured tyler posey as toni, zendaya as eve, tiya sircar as aliya, rita monero as mamá alvarez and ralph fiennes as rockmond, do with that what you will

**"HELLO DIAZ BOYS!" BUCK HOLLERS AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE** , his voice echoes for a few seconds before the telltale signs of Chris' crutches sound out.

"Bucky!" 

He drops the bag containing the ingredients on the sofa and drops to his knees, arms spread out to hug Chris.

"Superman!" 

Chris all but barrels into him and warmth fills his chest - he would be forever grateful for being allowed into this family, even if it wasn't the way he wanted; he'd take anything he could get.

"I missed you Bucky!" Chris's voice is muffled but Buck returns the sentiment because he loves Chris like his own.

"I missed you too buddy."

"Hey Buck," Eddie greets him, despite seeing him not even an hour ago, "I followed your instructions, the oven's heated and the dough's out."

"Thanks."

Buck gets up and picks up Chris with him, "You ready to get baking buddy?"

"Yeah!"

He walks to the kitchen and places Chris on the chair only to realise that he left the bag in the living room.

"Looking for this?" Eddie asks holding the bag.

"Yes, what would I do without you?" Buck teases.

"Crash and burn probably."

"That sounds like you - almost did the last time you were in the kitchen."

"That was one time!" Eddie groans.

"It was an omelette," Buck counters, "How do you start a fire with an omelette? C'mon Eds you're a firefighter, you should know better." He teases.

"Whatever," Eddie replies and then turns to Chris, "You're really gonna let Buck talk like that to me?"

"He's not wrong," Chris answer with a giggle.

Eddie fakes a pout, "I can't believe it! My own son turned against me."

Buck's heart soars at Chris' laughter and Eddie's subsequent one. He busies himself with taking out the ingredients and placing everything on the counter, there was something so domestic about it and it makes him yearn. He wants to be able to come back every day after work and come to this, he always wanted a family and now he has one, maybe not in the way he hopes but he won't let go, not when they want him. 

"You need any help?" Eddie asks once he's done laughing.

Buck pretends to think, his finger placed on his chin, "Mhmm," He hums, "Promise not to burn your house down?"

Buck has to stifle a laugh when Eddie curses at him in Spanish, "One time Buckley, it was one time."

"One time too many," Buck winks back.

"Alright, alright, I won't burn down the house," He huffs out, "What do you want me to do?"

"Cut the vegetables," Buck instructs.

"Why the hell do you have a pineapple in the bag?"

"To put on the pizza," He explains, "Duh, why else would I bring it?"

"I - you put pineapple on your pizza?"

"Yes?" It comes out as question instead of a statement.

" _Dios Mio_." Eddie whispers but Buck catches it.

"Got a problem with that Diaz?" 

"Nope, none at all." He's too quick to reply and Buck can't help but laugh at his obvious discomfort at his face.

"Don't knock it 'till you try it."

Eddie rolls his eyes but get the chopping board and starts washing the vegetables.

Dinner is anything but a quiet affair, Chris keeps talking and he pays attention, chiming in when necessary, asking about the latest project he's been assigned. By the time they're done Buck's been updated on practically everything.

"Dad, dad can I ask him now? You promised after dinner!" Chris explains.

Eddie nods and Buck's left confused.

"Do you want to come to the Zoo with us tomorrow?" Excitement clear in his voice.

Buck looks down at him and the puppy eyes and knows that he can't say no, "Of course, you don't even have to ask."

"Yay!" He cheers and Buck's left on cloud 9.

"C'mon _mijo_ , you gotta put your dishes in the sink and brush your teeth."

"Can we watch a movie?" 

"Not today buddy, sorry," Eddie apologises, "You gotta get to bed so you can wake up nice and early tomorrow and go to the Zoo."

That seems to satisfy Chris and he places his dishes in the sink and walks back to his room, leaving Eddie and Buck alone in the kitchen. He grabs the dishes and starts washing them.

"I hope it wasn't too sudden," Eddie's voice is soft but carries across the room, "He was so excited and he wanted to ask you, made me promise not to ask you."

Buck smiles at Eddie, "Nah, it's fine, I would love to spend a day with my favourite Diaz boy," Buck smirks as he pauses, "And you I suppose."

Eddie flicks him with the dish towel and he cackles, revelling at the moment. He goes back to washing the dishes, only this time Eddie is by his side, drying the ones he's cleaned and placing them on the rack. He gets lost in the domesticity, the simple flow of their friendship, they didn't even have to try and Buck lapped it up. He cherishes the little moments he got to share with them, in their line of work he doesn't know which one would be his last. Sometimes he wonders if Toni had sent Eddie, he knows it sounds silly but it could've gone so different, he could've never left El Paso, or even if he did, he could've gone to a different station instead of the 118, could've been on a different shift, literally anything but it didn't and he can't help but wonder.

He hands the last dish to Eddie and wipes his hands down, throwing the soiled Kleenex in the bin - and if Buck 'accidentally' brushes his shoulder against Eddie's while doing so, it's his business and his alone. He grabs the bin bag and holds it open for Eddie, who wordlessly grabs the remaining rubbish lying on the counter and dumps it in the bag. He ties it up and grabs his phone before making his way out to the driveway, he takes his time walking and dials _mamá_ \- she should be awake, knowing her she's probably watching some god awful _telenovela._

 _"Hola Evan,_ " She greets.

" _Hola Mamá,_ " He drops the bag in, " _No puedo hacerlo mañana, voy a ir a el Zoológico con Eddie y Chris, lo siento por la cancelación tardía, sólo me pidieron." [I can't make it tomorrow, I'm going to the Zoo with Chris, I'm sorry for the late cancellation, they just asked.]_

 _"No hay problema,_ " There's something in her voice that he can't place, it's almost teasing, _"Se divierte y ser seguro." [No worries/problem, Have fun and be safe.]_

_"Siempre mamá." [Always mama]_

_"Me algero por ti, finalmente estás avanzando." [I'm happy for you, you're finally moving on.]_

_"Yo también." [Me too.]_

_"Adiós cariño, te amo." [Bye dear, I love you.]_

_"Adiós máma, te amo mucho." [Bye mama, I love you more.]_

He makes his way up the driveway and back into the house. Eddie's on the sofa with his feet propped on the couch, beer bottle in one hand and another on the table, presumably for him.

"Hey," Buck whines, "I literally just threw the rubbish."

" _Dios_ , just take the beer and watch the movie," Eddie snorts, "Who were you talking to?"

Buck freezes for a second and then grabs the bottle, "Sofa cleaning company, told them I had to reschedule." The lie passes through with ease and he feels guilty when Eddie nods in acceptance; he's hiding such a big part of his life from him, from everyone really. 

They're not even 30 minutes into the movie when Eddie starts to softy snore, Buck doesn't say or do anything, not when Eddie's head is resting on his shoulder. He just looks at him, his face is relaxed and he looks younger, there's no tenseness and his shoulders are sagging. If anyone took a picture, Buck's positive that it would show him fonding over his best friend. There are times where he regrets falling in love with him because he could lose the best thing that's happened to him since Toni, but he's willing to swallow his feelings if it means that Eddie will let him be a part of his and Christopher's life, allow him to indulge his fantasy of having his own family. He'll move on one day, eventually, when Eddie finds someone, Buck won't stand in the way of his happiness, sure it'll hurt but he'll get over it and find someone new. Then there are times where he just falls in love harder, and those are the days that he's grateful to love. The gentle touches after a hard call and the hidden looks when Chim says something dumb, the feeling of pure joy when Eddie asks Buck to come over when Chris is with Pepa or _Abuela_ , or when Eddie comes over to his. Neither of them knock, both using their own key, and at times like today where he's the most conflicted, he wants to bask in the feeling of their little pretend family but he knows he's setting himself up for heartbreak because Eddie will find someone to love and Buck gets left behind, he's used to it by now; Maddie, Toni, Maddie (again), Abby, Ali, the 118 and eventually Eddie.

Eddie starts to stir almost 20 minutes later and Buck pretends to be asleep - he will not be caught fonding over his best friends by said best friend, thank you very much. 

"Buck?" Eddie's voice is hoarse and god does it do things to him.

He blinks back 'awake', "Eddie? What's going on?" He manages to keep his voice just as hoarse as Eddie.

"Fell asleep," He yawns midway and Buck has to look away before he turns into a melting puddle of literal goo, "I'll get you a blanket and pillow."

Buck watches as Eddie grabs the bottles and throws them in the bin before going to the storage closet down the hall. He manages to keep his eyes away from him and chooses to turn the T.V. off instead. Walking into Eddie's room he opens the drawer and grabs his clothes, quickly changing into sweat pants and an old t-shirt. He tosses his clothes in the hamper and goes back to the living room where Eddie's placing the pillow and blanket.

"Night Buck," He whispers, his voice soft and Buck's about 2 seconds from absolutely losing it.

"Night Eds." 

He watches as Eddie goes to his room, leaving the door open just enough that the smallest amount of light filters out. He sighs and gets comfortable on the sofa. Just as he's about to fall asleep, his phone buzzes.

**_hond-no:_ **

**_pretty boy's got a date tomorrow_ **

**_island dad:_ **

**_what? with who?_ **

**_jersey dad:_ **

**_he's got a what now?_ **

Buck groans when he sees the message, of course, _mamá_ would tell Hondo. Nostalgia calling at him as remembers the times when they'd all sit around at their house and tell _mamá_ everything they could.

_me:_

_it's not a date._

**_hond-no:_ **

**_you're going to the zoo with your crush, how is that not a date?_ **

_me:_

_i'm going with his son!_

**_island dad:_ **

**_if he's talking about Eddie, then you need to reevaluate every life choice you've made because you are head over heels for him and that's only based on what i've heard_ **

_me:_

_you're not even here! it's not a date!_

**_jersey dad:_ **

**_kid, don't lie, we saw that news clip of you digging with your literal hands to get him out_ **

_me:_

_oh my god i'm going to kill you all_

**_hond-no:_ **

**_so first-degree murder? or would that be second-degree murder?_ **

**_island dad:_ **

**_you seem to forget that there are 3 law enforcement officers in this group_ **

_me:_

_danno c'mon help me out here_

**_jersey dad:_ **

**_sorry kid, you're on your own here_ **

**_hond-no:_ **

**_ha! take that buckley_ **

_me:_

_i hate all of you_

_i'm not going to deal with this slander! good night you absolutely awful people_

**_hond-no:_ **

**_love you too kid, don't forget to tell us how your date went_ **

**_island dad:_ **

**_don't scar his kid! stay safe pit_ **

**_jersey dad:_ **

**_feed a giraffe or some other animal for me!_ **

Buck can't help but smile as he puts his phone back on the table, he missed their banter and he was so grateful that Hondo found him and brought him back to the life he tried so hard to run away from. He healed a long time ago, sure he always thought he would die first, but he knew they'd all die eventually if it didn't happen on an Op - he'd made peace with his death, it was making peace with Toni's death that was harder. He remembers how hard the first months were.

_"C'mon Pit," Steve's voice is soft and gentle and everything that Steve isn't, "You've got to eat."_

_"'m not hungry." His stomach betrays him the moment the sentence comes out, grumbling loudly at the grilled chicken sitting in front of him - he doesn't even have to look up to see the look Steve was giving him._

_"Just a little bit, c'mon for me." Steve coaxes and damn him, he always found it hard to say no to him, he thinks it's cause he doesn't like disobeying his Commander, Toni says it's cause he looks up to him as a father and can't stand the thought of disappointing him._

_He hates his brain for bringing up Toni, he hates Toni for dying (not really though, he could never hate Toni) and he especially hates Pierre Rockmond, he would kill that bastard if it's the last thing he'd do._

_He finally looks up and sees Steve and Hondo's worried stares, he suppresses the urge to cry out loud and tell them to stop staring, staring at him isn't going to do anything. He takes small bites of the Chicken and his body rejoices at the feeling of having actual food in his body plus it doesn't hurt that Hondo's Chicken has that magic taste to it._

_Within minutes his plate was empty and he felt full for the first time since Toni had died. He feels their eyes on him as he washes the plates, and that's when it hit him, it was the first time he's done anything domestic since Toni's died, to anyone else it may have seemed insignificant but to him, it was the world. Toni and Buck always did the dishes, he'd wash and Toni would dry, it was their thing. The plate clatters into the sink, loud enough to startle everyone else but it doesn't stop him from falling onto his knees. They're there by his side within seconds holding him. He sobs into their arms, his whole body shaking._

_"They're gone," He manages to get out, "He's gone, what am I going to do without him? Without Aliya? Without Eve?"_

_He hasn't cried this hard since the day they died, they don't say anything though, they just let him cry and cry and cry._

_"You continue living," Buck's surprised that Hondo's the one who speaks, "For them, you continue fighting for them, you carry on their legacy and build yours with it."_

He kept Hondo's advice close to his heart but he never fully understood it, didn't understand it until Abby left him and didn't look back. He slept around, got drunk, got high in the 2 months he spent roaming around the world before he went to Hawaii, even then he slept around, but much more discreetly - he wasn't dumb though, he knew they knew, they just never chose to say anything and Buck's grateful for that, because if they did, the guilt he would've felt would've been enough to crush him. He finally carried on Toni's legacy when he moved to L.A. with _mamá_ , he wanted to help people so he became a firefighter, it became a way to honour Toni and then it became his identity and that's when Hondo's words finally made sense to him. 

_"Did you ever think we'd end up like this?" Buck asks, staring up at the sky, enjoying the few times they were at home and not out being deployed._

_Toni turns to face him, eyebrows furrowed, "Like what?"_

_"Like this," Buck gestures vaguely, "Like did - did you ever think you'd spend so long with the SEALS?"_

_"I didn't even think I'd end up in the SEALS," Toni says as he plays with Buck's curls, "It was a spur of the moment thing. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a firefighter, like that was the only thing I ever thought about being. Then papá died, mamá couldn't afford to send me to university so I signed up."_

_Buck hums in response and places a gentle kiss on his forehead, "Well I'm glad you joined, don't know what I'd do if I never met you."_

_"Me too," Toni kisses him this time and lays his head on his chest, enjoying the calm that the campsite brought - it's not a campsite per se, more of a cliff with a flat surface,_ _" Happy anniversary cariño. I love you more than you can comprehend."_

_"You're a sap," Buck laughs, "But you're my sap and I love you more."_

_"Right," Toni snorts, "I'm that sappy one."_

_"Well duh, I'm the manly one," Buck laughs as he gestures to himself._

_"Well, Mr Manly, correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you the one who nearly cried when we went shopping yesterday."_

_"They were baby clothes, Toni! You can't expect me to not cry! Have you seen their little shoes?"_

_"You're worse than a pregnant woman," He teases._

He doesn't remember falling asleep, but he jerks awake, nearly falling off the sofa. He sighs and rubs his eyes, glancing at the clock on the wall and cursing when he realises he's barely slept for 4 hours. He goes to the kitchen and pours himself a glass of water, he carefully deposits in the sink and practically tiptoes back to the sofa - he can hear Eddie snoring and he smiles, at least one of them's asleep. His eyes find their way to the photo of Christopher and Shannon resting on the mantle and his heart breaks; he remembers how badly he wanted to tell Eddie that he knows what it's like but he knew it wasn't the right time, he couldn't make Shannon's death about him and Toni. So he did the next best thing, he was there for Eddie, just like Steve, Hondo and Danny were there for him because being alone after something like that was the worst. He remembers the crushing loneliness that came with losing someone you loved, the first few days are the worst. He remembers how quiet their house used to be and he hated it, he still hates it. He was truly alone at that time, he sill is. He hates going back to the empty loft, it became worse after Red's death; he knows he's not alone, not really, but he's alone in a different sense: everyone has someone to come back home to, he didn't. More often than not, he'd end up at Toni's grave, just sitting and enjoying the company of his dead husband while he babbled off about his day or he'd go to _mamá_ , and stay with her until she fell asleep.

He thinks about the day that Eddie cut his line, it was easily one of the worst days he's experienced, it's right up there with the days when Toni died and he lost Christopher. It felt like his whole world had collapsed, the sheer idea of losing Eddie put him on overdrive - he was ready to dig him out with his bare hands. When Toni died, at least Buck got to hold him, but with Eddie, he couldn't even _see_ him, let alone hold him. Had he been in an Op, he would've thought of something, but as a firefighter, as Buck, it was so much harder to think straight because Buck didn't hide or lock his emotions up, Pit did, that's why he was at the top of his class. 

Everyone thinks that he's an open book, that they know everything about him - they couldn't be further away from the truth; he lets them think they know him because it's easier to lie them, if they think they know him, then they won't stop to ask him questions. They knew Buck, or Evan Buckley, they didn't know Pit. Buck was the happy, go-lucky firefighter, Pit was the ruthless, Navy SEAL who killed people.

The next time he wakes up is when Chris all but jumps on him, he lets out a grunt in response to his cheerful noises.

" _Mijo,_ c'mon give Buck some room to breathe." Eddie coaxes Chris.

"Someone's excited," Buck muses, still half asleep.

He gets a giggle in response, "Can you make waffles?"

"Of course, with blueberries right?" 

Chris nods enthusiastically and gets off Buck. He smiles at Eddie, who's still half asleep, Buck ignores the way his heart picks up pace when he smiles back. It was soft and so uncharacteristically Eddie, but he cherishes it nonetheless because it's a rare smile. Buck likes to think of Eddie's smile, _his genuine smiles_ , as four-leaf clovers: it's rare and reserved for only those Eddie deems worthy and if you receive one, you're one of the lucky ones - and Buck, well he thanks the universe and whatever higher power there is that he gets to be one of the lucky ones. 

They all walk to the bathroom, it was a routine thing to do when he stays over: they'd brush their teeth together and then Buck would make breakfast while Eddie and Chris did their workout/PT stretches. It was so simple yet it would get his heart racing every time, it's the simple things for him, the slice of domesticity that he gets whenever he stays at the Diaz household.

Their routine continues as normal, the only thing different being Christopher's unbelievably high energy level. He's practically vibrating in the car by the time they've set everything in the car. 

"You ready Chris?" Eddie asks, and Buck knows Eddie knows it's a dumb thing to ask but he thinks it's to distract Chris from basically jumping up and down.

"Yeah, dad! Let's go!"

Buck can't help but chuckle as Eddie starts the truck and pulls out the driveway. Not even five minutes into the drive, Buck can see Chris shifting in his place, obviously restless. 

"Hey buddy, you wanna play a game?" He calls out, eyes flitting back to check his reaction.

"What game?" His voice is now curious.

"The alphabet game of course."

"Yeah! The alphabet game!" He cheers.

They spend the next hour playing it - thanks to L.A. traffic - Eddie chimes in whenever he feels like but generally stays out of it, choosing to maintain his focus on the road. The feeling of longing hits him again, he wants this forever, wants to be a part of their family till the day he dies. 

"Alright kiddo, we're here." Eddie says as he pulls into the parking space, "Before we go, you gotta follow some rules okay?"

Christopher nods in response, but the smile never leaves his face.

"You gotta stick with us the whole time alright? It's a big place and I don't want you to get lost. Second, if you feel tired or if anything hurts, you gotta let us know, promise?"

"I promise dad!"

"Alright, last rule: Have fun!"

"Yay!"

Buck helps Eddie get Christopher out of the truck, he doesn't miss the way he referred to them as _us_ , he doesn't go to correct or question him, he'll take whatever he can get. They walk over to the ticket booth, Buck reaches for his wallet, only for Eddie to place a hand on his bicep and shake his head.

"My treat."

"Ed-"

"No." He's using his patented 'dad-voice' and Buck wants to feel offended, but all he feels are stupid butterflies.

Buck opens his mouth to argue with Eddie but the person in the booth speaks instead, "You!" She gaps, point a finger at Buck.

"Me?" He's confused, the girl looks familiar and a pit settle in his stomach, he really hopes she isn't one of his hookups. He's expecting a glare to come next, or some snide comment from her like his previous hookups have done but what he does not expect is for her to tear up and Buck feels so guilty, does she think they're a family?

"You!" Her voice trembles and Buck goes to say something but she speaks again, "Thank you, you saved me."

He blinks, trying to remember if she was on a call but Chris beats him to it, "Bucky, you brought her up on the truck when the tsunami hit."

She nods, wiping away her tears, "You saved my life, thank you so much! I -" She glances at Eddie and Chris, "Your tickets are on the house, in fact -" She reaches behind her and taps the person sitting, whispering something that he can't quite catch, "- Here are fast passes, for everything."

"I -" Buck goes to decline her.

"It's the least I can do after what you've done for me."

"Th - thank you." He stammers in response.

"No," She replies, "Thank you."

Buck just smiles at her, and he takes the tickets, he was just doing what every other person would.

"Damn Buckley," Eddie whistles, but Buck knows Eddie's trying to make him feel better, he doesn't like thinking of the day, he was supposed to protect Christopher but in true Evan Buckley fashion he lost him.

"Hey Buck," Eddie's voice is soft, "You saved him, and he's here, _alive_ , because of you. You didn't give up, you didn't stop looking for my son."

Buck hangs onto those words like a lifeline, he doesn't think Eddie knows how much those words mean to him, or maybe he does, he's not really sure. 

"You're my hero Bucky." Chris says and Buck thanks whatever higher power there is for blessing him with such amazing people in his life.

They spend the next 2 hours exploring exhibits, skipping every line and Buck basks in this feeling: the feeling of having a family, even if it's only for a day.

"I'm hungry," Chris declares from atop Buck's shoulders.

"Alright superman, let's go eat."

They walk to the food court, Eddie besides him, holding Chris' bag and his crutches. He matched pace with Buck, despite being shorter, it was comical in way, watching him essentially speed walking to keep pace with Buck; he'd stop but ti was too damn funny.

He gently lifts Chris off his shoulder and places him the chair, "Alright superman, what do you want?"

"Chicken nuggets!" 

Buck laughs, "Alright, chicken nuggets it is." He shoots a quick look to Eddie, confirming it with him because, after all, Chris is his son; Eddie nods, a soft smile on his face.

Buck brings the nuggets to the table and burgers for him and Eddie. They enjoy eating, Buck doesn't say anything, he just soaks up this feeling. He glances at Eddie who has his burger in one hand and his phone in the other, clearly texting someone.

"Everything alright?" He asks.

"Yeah, it's just Ana, she wants to go on a date."

"Oh," Buck just about manages to keep the disappointment out of his voice, "That's - that's good, I'm - I'm happy for you man."

Buck winces internally at his response but Eddie doesn't seem to care, or if he does, he's not showing it.

Chris, oblivious of everything, ropes the two of them into a conversation and Buck goes along with it, anything to distract him from the growing ache in his heart.

He's absolutely exhausted by the time they reach home - Eddie's home, he has to remind himself - he wants nothing more to get into bed and never get up, but they both have a shift tomorrow.

"Are you sure you don't want to sleep here? I don't mind." Eddie asks once again.

"Eddie, seriously, I'm good. I miss my bed anyway." He jokes, he'd rather be alone at home than listen to Eddie talk (read: stress) about his date with Ana tomorrow. 

"Alright, if you're sure," Buck was hoping he'd put up more of a fight, but he shoves that thought back and waves goodbye to Eddie. 

The silence in apartment is deafening and he almost regrets coming back home. He drops the keys on the table top and trudges upstairs, removing his shirt and jeans and throws them in the hamper, trading it for a pair of loose shorts and an old t-shirt. He climbs into the bed and hisses at how cold his sheets are. His phone buzzes next to him and he's hoping it's Eddie but it isn't.

**_hond-no:_ **

**_soo, how was it?_ **

**_did ya'll kiss?_ **

**_oh shit are you still with him?_ **

Buck lets out a bitter laugh, he wishes.

_me:_

_it was fun_

_until he set up a date_

**_jersey dad:_ **

**_what_ **

**_isn't that a good thing ??_ **

_me:_

_it would be if said date was with me_

**_island dad:_ **

**_shit_ **

**_i'm sorry kid_ **

**_hond-no:_ **

**_damn, do you want me to come over_ **

**_i still have the hot cocoa recipe_ **

That gets laugh out him

_me:_

_nah_

_it's cool, nothing a good night of sleep can't fix_

**_jersey dad:_ **

**_you sure kid?_ **

**_anything we can do?_ **

**_island dad:_ **

**_just say the word and we'll be there_ **

_me:_

_i swear_

_night guys_

**_island dad:_ **

**_night pit_ **

**_hond-no:_ **

**_night buck_ **

**_jersey dad:_ **

**_night kid_ **

Buck smiles at the texts and puts his phone to charge, at least he has them.

_"You ever think about having kids?"_

_Buck almost drops the dish he's washing, "What?"_

_"Like having kids, through like adoption or surrogacy."_

_"Sometimes," He answers truthfully, there were times where he'd daydream about raising kids with Toni, "But with what we do, it would be unfair on the child."_

_"I know," He agrees, "But once we're done with this, we could have one, maybe more; we've been married for almost 7 years now, I would love to have a child and mamá would stop pestering me about wanting to become a grandmother, it's a win-win situation."_

_Buck laughs with Toni, "You're right," He places the dish on the rack and makes his way to where Toni's sitting, "We could move somewhere, have our little suburban dream with white picket fences and everything."_

_"Yeah?" Buck's heart fills with joy when Toni agrees with him, the most endearing smile on his face._

_"Yeah," He places a gentle kiss on his foreheads before kissing his lips._

_"Hey! Love birds some of us are trying to watch a movie, take your nauseating flirting to the back room!" Eve's voice breaks their moment but there no malice to her words._

_"As if you and Aliya weren't practically humping on the sofa the other night!"_

_Buck just about dodges the pillow that comes flying towards him._

Buck wakes up with a jerk, and then he flops back onto his bed. The dreams - memories seem more appropriate since he did have to this conversation - were coming more often than he'd like, it was bad enough that he had nightmares from the everything, but now his brain decided to throw in this? He hated it. He checks the time and sighs there's no point in going to sleep when his shift start in 2 hours - if he gets ready now, he could drop by the cemetery and see Toni.

He goes through his routine: he gets up, takes a shower, brushes his teeth and makes breakfast. He works on autopilot and doesn't even realise he's made sunny side ups, Toni's favourite. He sighs and curses his brain, of course, he'd make Toni's favourite, it is their 10 year anniversary tomorrow. He drops the pan in the sink and plates the eggs with more aggression than needed, but he can't bring himself to care right now.

Breakfast was quiet and quick, obviously, it's not like he had anyone to feed. He shakes his head and with that sad thought he decides to leave, no point in moping in his apartment when he has a dead husband to visit. He lets out a laugh at the thought, his life was a shit show.

The drive to the cemetery was the same as it always it, bar any music because it just doesn't feel appropriate; he stops by the flower shop next to it, and buys his usual, he doesn't even need to ask for it anymore, the lady, Eileen, recognises him without a hitch and he pays.

He places the flowers at his grave, "Morning Toni," He breathes out and sits on the grass, not like anyone can see the stains on his dark wash jeans, "I, uh, I went to the Zoo with Eddie and Chris a few days ago. I had fun, like proper, never wanting the day to end fun." He picks at the grass, trying to stop the tears from falling, "I'm sorry I didn't come for the past few days, everything's been so much, it's like people are getting more and more stupid every day. Not that I'm complaining, stupid people are the reason I have a job," He laughs, "I miss you, I miss you so much Toni, but I've kept my promise, I'm doing better, I'm happier. You know how I told you I like Eddie? I think I love him, I think I love him like I love you but I keep getting mixed signals, god it's so frustrating." He rips the grass violently and then guilt settles, he places the pieces down gently, "It was so easy with you, we both knew what we wanted but with him? One day we're flirting, and the next he's texting some girl, setting up a date. I don't know what to do Toni." He wipes the tears away, "I wish Aliya was here, she'd tell me what to do, she always knew what to say. Maybe you were the one, and that's it, my one sure soulmate and now I'm destined to be alone." As soon as he finishes the sentence, the wind picks up and large leaf comes flying to his face. He doesn't duck in time and it smacks him in the face, he laughs at the timing of it, "Alright, I won't say it again. Look I gotta go, but I'll come back tomorrow, and I'll bring Hondo and _mamá_ , we'll finally get to have the picnic I promised you. I hope you don't mind that it's not super romantic, well with your mother being there and all, but you gotta understand, it's hard to wine and dine your husband for your 10 year anniversary when he's dead." He kisses his hand and places it on the stone, "Bye Toni."

He walks into the station and greets everyone, as usual, he makes his way to the locker room to drop his bag. He glances at his reflection on the way in, checking to make sure that his face isn't red anymore.

"Morning Eds." He greets.

He doesn't get a response immediately like he usually does so he looks up from his locker and sees Eddie texting someone, a fond smile gracing his face and Buck freezes, it was a rare smile, not as rare as the one he got at his place but rare nonetheless.

"Morning Eds." He says it a bit louder, punctuating each word to get his attention.

"Oh, hey, morning Buck." He looks up from his phone when he greets him but returns to it almost immediately.

He takes a deep breath and steels his nerves before sauntering over to Eddie with his fake bravado, "So," He drags out the word, "Who're you texting?" He just hopes his voice isn't as desperate as he is.

"Oh, it's Ana," Eddie replies.

Buck's heart drops, of course, it's Ana. He wants to hate her but he can't, it's not fair on her, she shouldn't have to deal with his jealously just because Buck fell in love with his straight best friend.

"Ooo," He wiggles his eyebrows for effect.

"Shut up," Eddie laughs, "It's nothing like that, she's just checking if I'm down for tonight."

"Ah yes, your date," Buck's proud that he keeps the jealousy out of his voice, "Hey man if you want me to watch Chris tonights just let me know," He knows if someone can make him forget his feeling for Eddie, it's Chris.

"Nah man, it's good," He assures Buck, clapping his shoulder, " _Abuela_ 's got it covered, she's been whining about how little time she's spent with him this week."

Buck wants to bang his head against the wall, "Alright, no problem, just let me know if anything changes." 

With that he walks upstairs and joins Hen and Chim on the sofa, ignoring the way his heart hurts when Eddie follows him up the stairs, eyes still glued to his phone. He knew it was coming but it didn't make it any easier. 

He manages to keep everything locked up as the shift ends but he was so close to losing it when he hears Eddie on the phone, his voice soft as he speaks Spanish.

" _Me muero de ganas de verte." [I can't wait to see you]_

He only catches the tail end of their conversation but it's enough to make him want to rip his hair out, so he waves goodbye and almost break the law as he speeds to his apartment.

Buck comes home to his empty apartment and he hates it the second he steps in. When he first bought it, he was so excited to have his own place, because he was finally growing into the man he wanted to be, the part of him that he kept locked away after Toni died - he had dreams of Ali coming and living with him, her clothes mixed with his, little pieces of art that she adored hanging from the walls. Now? He wants nothing more than to burn it to the ground, it was a reminder of how lonely he is. 

Not even 20 minutes go by before he leaves the apartment, he grabs his keys and drives to the retirement home. He just hopes that she's watching some dramatic _telenovela._ He parks his Jeep and greets John, the night shift receptionist - technically he shouldn't be allowed after hours, but they know he works for the LAFD and knows he has odd hours, so they let him through plus it doesn't hurt that most of the old ladies here love him.

" _Hola mamá_ ," He greets as he enters the room, and does quick happy dance in his head when he finds her awake, watching _Laços de Sangue_.

" _Hola Evan_ ," She greets back, " _¿Por qué estás aquí a esta hora? ¿Está todo bien?" [Why are you here at this hour? Is everything alright?]_

"Didn't want to feel alone." He shrugs and tries to keep his voice even, but she sees right through him.

"Evan, _cariño. qué pasó_?" Her voice is so gentle, her touch even more so as he places her hand on his cheek. 

He finally lets go, tears flowing down as she guides him to her bed. He hugs her, burying his face in the crook of her neck as she strokes his back, "Evan, _por favour, háblame." [Evan, please, talk to me]_

"He likes someone else," He manages to get out before another wave of tears wash over him, "He's out with her tonight, _lo amo mamá_ and he's out with someone else." _[I love him.]_

" _Oh bebé_ ," She whispers, placing a kiss to his forehead, " _Encontrarás a alguien mejor, alguien que te ama como tú los ama," [Oh baby, you'll find someone better, someone who'll love you like you love them.]_

" _Pero quiero Eddie,'" [But I want Eddie.]_

 _"Sé cariño, pero,_ you deserve better." [ _I know sweetheart,]_

Buck just cries harder, clinging onto her, "Am I not good enough? Why does everyone leave _mamá_?" 

Aleena Alvarez likes to think of herself as a strong woman. When her husband died, she cried and then she moved on, when her son died, she fought through, sure it was hard, but Evan was there with her, and he helped her; whatever life threw at her, she could handle it, but now? Holding her boy as he cries, she's never felt weaker, more powerless.

"Evan, _mijo_ , no." It breaks her heart that he could even think that, she gently lifts head " _Eres suficiente,_ I am so grateful to have you in my life. I don't know where I would be without you," She tells him truthfully, after Toni's death, she didn't know what to do, she doesn't even know if she'd be here now, "Toni loved you, you fought through hell and came out victorious. You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me," She places a kiss on his forehead, and brings his head up, "You know when Toni first wrote me the letter talking about you, I knew he was going to marry you. He wouldn't shut up about your eyes, going on and on about how blue they were," That elicits a laugh from him, "I am glad that he married you, and I am glad that you chose to stay with me. You are my son Evan, _nada cambiará eso_." _[You are enough. Nothing will change that.]_

She continues to talk, regaling him with stories about Toni and before she knew it, he was fast asleep in her arms. She smiles down at him and gently moves around so that they're more comfortable. It was one of the few times that he'd fallen asleep here, the only other times being after the bombing, tsunami and the lawsuit. She remembers the fear she felt when she saw him on T.V., it was like she was losing another son. She remembers how badly she wanted to go the hospital but she knew couldn't do that to Evan, he would tell them when he was ready. A part of her fears that he would never tell them, too afraid to tell them the thing he did, she prays that it never happens. He deserves to be happy after everything he's been through. One day she'll give the 118 a piece of her mind, tell them to treat her son right, love him like he deserves and she'll especially give a piece of her mind to Edmundo Diaz. 

Buck wakes up to his phone buzzing in his pocket. He untangles himself from _mamá_ 's arms and answers it.

"Hello?"

"Hey Buck," Bobby greets, "Listen, I know today's supposed to be your day off but Johnson's wife just went into labour, so you're going to have to come in. I'm sorry kid."

Buck integrally groans, "Alright Cap, I'll be there ASAP."

"See you then."

Buck sighs out loud, there goes his plan to spend the day celebrating his anniversary; today was the one day that he didn't want to work. 

"Evan?"

" _Mamá, sólo fui llamado en,_ Johnson's wife just went into labour." He explains. _[I just got called in.]_

She frowns but places a kiss on his forehead, "Okay, _pero_ be safe."

"Always."

She gives him a pointed look, and he laughs as he kisses her cheek and walks back to his jeep, waving everyone goodbye.

He reaches the station an hour later, refreshed but annoyed. He greets everyone as usual and places his things in the locker, slamming it shut with more force than necessary, but he doesn't care, he's allowed to be angry. He all but stomps up the stairs.

"Hey Buckaroo." Hen greets him.

He gives a small smile back and reaches for the coffee pot, hopefully, caffeine can make him feel better. He glances around the room, Chim was on the sofa, scrolling through his phone, he could see Bobby in his office but Eddie was nowhere to be seen. He frowns into the mug but refrains from asking.

He's not even halfway done with the cup when the alarm rings, he doesn't slam the coffee mug on the counter but he was pretty close to doing it. He follows Hen and Chim down the stairs and they get in, Eddie follows a few seconds later.

"Oh didn't know you were working today." Eddie comments.

 _Yeah, me neither_ , "Johnson's wife went into labour."

Eddie nods in understanding and pulls out his phone and starts texting. Anger surges through him, he's probably texting Ana. Anger was one thing that the hated feeling, everything felt amplified today, every little thing made his skin prickle.

**_hond-no:_ **

**_hey_ **

**_aleena just texted me, you have a shift today?_ **

Buck was about to reply Hondo's text but the truck slows down and Bobby's out the truck, so he pockets his phone and follows suit.

They're in front of a laser tag place, there's a lady standing out front, phone clutched in her hand as she talks to the people around her; she's probably the manager. 

"We got a kid trapped between a wall and a structure." Bobby calls out as he walks through and into the arena, "Manager tells me that the structure's plastic."

Buck follows Bobby into the arena, the others trailing behind him. He takes notice of the photos stuck on the wall, different sizes and colours overlapping over each other, it was actually really nice. Everyone was smiling, some were couples, some were groups of friends, some were families. 

"Help!" A voice calls out.

They rush into the area and it takes everything in Buck to not laugh. The kid's stuck in between the wall and a structure, his arms sticking through two holes definitely not meant for someone his size.

"Help me please!" 

"LAFD sir, we're here to help you," Bobby approaches the kid, assessing him and then he turns to them, "Buck and Eddie go get the saw and some lube."

Buck nods and walks out, Eddie following suit. A soft glow emitting from his ring finger catches his attention and his heart just breaks a little more.

_"We should get a tattoo," Buck announces as he places the glass of water in front of Toni, "Like matching ones."_

_"Why?" Toni asks, taking a sip of the water, "Don't get me wrong, I'm not against it, it's just random."_

_"We can't wear our rings on Ops," Buck explains, "So, we could get like matching tattoos."_

_"Wouldn't people see that we got matching tattoos?"_

_"Right," Buck agrees, "But I kinda fell down a hole last night, and there's like tattoo ink that you can only see under UV light. So no one can see it, it'll be like our thing."_

_Toni smiles at him, eyes crinkling as his dimples show and Buck just falls a little bit harder in love._

_"I'd love that. You know what?" Toni stands up, gulping down the last of the water, "Let's get them now, knowing you, you probably have a place researched and ready to go to."_

_Buck blushes furiously, "We don't have to get them now, matching tattoos are a huge commitment. You should think about, I don't want to force you to do anything-"_

_"Cariño," Toni's gentle voice cuts of Buck's nervous ramble "We're married, that's a pretty big commitment. I want this," He cups his face and kisses him._

_"Alright," Buck exhales, unable to keep a smile off his face, "There's a place about 6 blocks from here, we can go in for a consultation and then see from there."_

Two thin lines wrap around his finger, a thicker line in the middle of the two. He quickly reaches for his gloves and puts them on, hiding the tattoo. He mutters out a quick apology to Toni but he knows if they see the tattoo, questions are bound to come up, something he doesn't have the emotional capability to deal with today. The tattoo's a dead giveaway, what kind of person has a tattoo on their ring finer if they're not married?

The next 30 minutes are a blur as they pull the kid out, he does his part and watches as Hen and Chim drive the kid to the hospital to get checked up. They drive back to the station and he get out the truck, he glances at his hands and there's nothing there, he doesn't know if he should be grateful that it's gone or sad that it's gone.

He needs to get his mind off everything, he drops his gear and grabs his gloves from his locker; he needs to punch something before he ends up breaking down. Grabbing his headphones, he walks to the gym and starts going through his old routine. He was never really a boxing guy, he liked weights and MMA, but weights weren't going to cut it today, he needs to feel something under his skin. 

Eddie watches Buck from afar, he's never seen Buck box, like ever and by the looks of it, he's getting pretty into it.

"You ever seen him box?" Eddie asks Chim.

"Nah," He answer, grabbing a water bottle, "But I know he was training Maddie when she first moved here. This is the first time he's boxed here, he usually does weights."

Eddie hums in response, eyes unable to leave him. It's obvious that he's boxed before, the way he's holding himself and the quick and calculated jabs are enough proof of that.

"He must be having a real bad day," Hen comments as he walks by.

"What do you mean?" He asks immediately, wanting to know what's bothering Buck.

"He's boxing," She gestures to him, "He only does that if he's had a really bad day, I've only seen him do it once, ages ago. I think it was when he lost that kid, Devon, not here of course. He was at the gym, the one near his old house. I used to drop by there when I needed to get my mind off work and saw him there, he told me that he does when things are real bad."

"Oh. Do you know what happened?"

She shakes her head, "It's best if you let him come to you, doesn't like being pushed to answer questions."

Eddie nods but can't help himself as he goes to the gym.

"Hey!" A voice calls out, "Eddie right?"

He turns around and is faced by, Hondo, the LAPD SWAT Sergeant. He's dressed in plain clothes but his badge rests on his belt and the gun holstered on his hip.

"Yeah, hi." He greets him albeit awkwardly but still a greeting nonetheless.

"Hey, is P - Buck here? I texted him but he's not replying."

"Yeah," He points to the gym where's Buck's still boxing, a bit more aggressively than the last time he saw him.

"Thanks man," He starts walking towards the gym, "Hey Pretty Boy!"

Eddie scowls at the name, who the hell is he to call Buck 'Pretty Boy'? He sighs, he can't even go to talk to Buck now. He walks back to to main area where everyone's lounging around.

"Does Buck seem alright to you guys?" He voices out his concern.

"He'll talk to us when he's ready," Bobby answers, confirming his suspicions, "Do you know what's so special about today?"

Eddie frowns, "What do you mean?"

"It's just that he always requests today off, it's been like that since he joined. None of know why though."

"No Cap, sorry. He's never mentioned anything about today."

Buck's punching and punching and punching. 

"Hey Pretty Boy!"

There's only one person who call him that, he turns around and sees Hondo walking towards him, and he feels a little bit better.

"You know kid, if someone texts you back, you're supposed to reply to them."

"Shit," He curses, "We just came off a call and I just wanted to forget everything, I'm sorry Hondo."

"Hey, hey, don't sweat it kid. It's alright." He assures Buck, "How you feeling?"

"I'm f-"

"Don't lie to me now."

"I don't know what you want me to say Hondo," Buck drops the gloves and sits on the bench, "That I'm sad? That I'm angry I'm working when I'm supposed to be celebrating my 10 year anniversary with my dead husband?" He's just glad that no one's here to listen to their conversation, "You'd think it'd be easier, I mean he's been dead for 3 years." He tries to joke but it falls flat.

"I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel," Hondo places a hand on his shoulder and sits down on the bench next to him, "What I do know is that you lost someone you loved, someone who meant the world to you, it's going to hurt and pretending that it doesn't is just going to make it worse. You have to acknowledge it and move forwards, don't bottle it up and push everything down - don't let it be like the funeral." Buck winces at the memory, "You have people who care about you, and I know they'd be willing to help you if you let them in."

Buck knows where this conversation's going, "I'll tell them eventually."

"Buck," His voice is almost father-like, "You can't put it off forever."

"I'm not," He insists, "I'll them once Toni, Aliya and Eve get justice."

"Evan, you don't know how long that's going to take."

"No, I don't but I won't tell them until they get their justice, I've moved on with my life, it's the least I can do for them."

Hondo just sighs and Buck knows he's not being reasonable but he doesn't care, he _needs_ to get them justice.

"Just, think about it please."

Buck just nods, unable to say anything else.

"Maddie knows," He whispers and he's sure if Hondo wasn't sitting next to him, he wouldn've never heard Buck, "I told her after I called her one night when I was visiting him."

"Alright, that's a start. Does she know what today is?"

"No."

"Will you tell her?"

"I - I don't know, she has her own things to deal with."

"Buck," Hondo starts, "She's your sister, I'm sure she'd want to be there for you."

Buck goes to reply but is cut off by the alarm. He get up and grabs his things but not before giving Hondo a quick hug, "Thank you."

"Anytime Kid, now go save some lives."

The rest of the day was uneventful, the calls were all medical so Buck just hung out back, helping out when needed. Everyone tried to talk to him but he brushed it off, telling them that everything was fine or that it was just one of those days, they didn't believe him but at least they had the courtesy of leaving him alone, everyone but Eddie. If it was any other day, he would've been fine, flattered even, but today it felt suffocating, he wanted to be left to his own devices not have Eddie follow him around like a lost puppy.

"Buck-" Eddie starts but he tunes it out, they're sitting in the truck, riding back to he's station after a call and he wants nothing more than to go home and drink himself to sleep, it was too late to do anything with _mamá_ and Hondo; he wasn't a big fan of alcohol but he needed it today to shut up the constant hum in his brain and the prickle on his skin.

"Eddie just drop it please." Buck replies, cutting off whatever else Eddie was going to say. He watches as Eddie opens his mouth once, twice, three times before shutting up. He just smiles in return, it doesn't fully reach his eyes, he knows that, but it keeps Eddie quiet so he counts it as a win.

The truck pulls into the station, and Buck drops out, Eddie just behind him.

"Buck!" 

He turns around and sees Maddie and he rushes to her, "Is everything okay? Is the baby okay?"

"I'm fine Buck," She places a hand on his bicep to calm him, "I should be asking you the question, are you okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why didn't you tell me what today was?"

"I - I -" Buck stammers "How do you know what today is?"

"We told her," A voice joins.

He'd recognise that voice anywhere, "Steve?"

The aforementioned man walks in, Danny walking behind him.

"Hey Pit," Steve greet causally, a smirk gracing his face.

"Steve! Danno!"

Steve pulls him into a hug, a bone crushing hug that has him gasping for breath but in the good way.

"Alright Steven, you're crushing the kid." Danny quips and then pulls him out of Steve's arms and into his, "We've missed you kid." He comments as he lets go, Buck just smiles back, overwhelmed with emotions. And then Danny smack the back of his head.

"Hey! What the hell was the for?"

"That was for not telling us about literally anything. Sometimes I think your Steve's actual kid with the amount of trouble you get into." 

"Hey!" They both object.

"You're going to look me in the face and tell me I'm wrong?"

"Yes, because you are." Steve quips, "Pit gets himself into more trouble than I ever did."

"Excuse me? I do not! In fact I haven't gotten hurt since I had the pulmonary embolism." Buck retaliates, enjoying their banter, nostalgia settling into his bones.

"Great, you've just jinxed yourself. Great going kid." Danny sighs, rubbing his hand over his face.

"How you feeling Pit?" Steve asks, his voice gentle.

"Better now that you guys are here, why are you here by the way?"

"You really thought we were going to let you spend today alone?" Danny asks, disbelief written across his face.

"I mean you guys have cases and I - I just assumed you guys had better things to do."

"I knew you were dense, but I never pegged you for an actual dumbass." Danny comments.

Buck goes to reply but is interrupted by Bobby, "Um, Buck why don't you introduce us?"

He's completely forgotten that they were still in the firehouse.

"Right, uh, sorry. This is-"

"Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett," Steve interrupts and Buck sighs, he should've seen this coming.

"Detective Daniel Williams, excuse Steven's manners, he was dropped on the head as a child." Danny adds, holding out his hand which Bobby takes and shakes.

"Nice to meet you gentleman, I'm Captian Nash."

"Right, that's Hen, Chim and Eddie." Buck gestures to the rest of the team who all shake hands with Steve and Danny.

"So what brought you out to L.A.?" Eddie asks.

Steve goes to answer, but is cut off by a new voice, "Evan?"

He turns to the entrance and sees _mamá_ walking into the station, Hondo following her.

" _¿_ _Mamá? ¿Qué haces aquí?" [Mama? What are you doing here?]_

_"Hola Evan ¿Te gustó mi sorpresa?" [Hi Evan, did you like my surprise?]_

" _¿Tú hiciste esto?" [Did you do this?]_

 _"Sí,_ you didn't think I would let you be alone today did you?"

Buck's speechless, overwhelmed as well, but that doesn't stop his mother from hugging him tight.

"You knew?" He turns to ask Hondo.

"Of course, who do you think picked up these Neanderthals?" Hondo smirks.

"Who you calling a Neanderthal?" Danny asks.

"You and McGarrett!" He replies back.

 _"¿No vas a presentarme?" Mamá_ cuts through. _[Aren't you going to introduce me?]_

 _"Lo siento_ ," He apologises, "Guys, this is my mother."

"Hello," She greets, "Call me Mrs. Alvarez."

"Um, Hi, I'm Cap-"

"Oh don't bother with introductions, Evan does not shut up about all of you. Don't worry, he's only said good things. It's nice to finally put faces to the names."

"Aleena, it's good to see you," Steve walks up hugging his mother, "Thank you for doing do this."

"Look at you Steven, you haven't grown a day, you still need to eat more, and please don't thank me, it's nice to have the family back together." She comments, patting his cheeks, her attention shifts to Danny, "Ah Daniel, you look the same, still too skinny but that's okay, I'll make sure the two of you get to eat. " Danny just chuckles at her remark, everyone knows it it futile to argue with _mamá_ , especially if it has anything to do with food, "This is a lovely firehouse." She turns around, looking at the firehouse, "He would've loved it."

Buck hums in agreement.

"You know kid, if you ever get bored of the LAFD, I know HFD would love to have you or you could join Five-0, there'll always be a spot for you."

"As if SWAT's not gonna want the kid," Hondo retaliates, "I'm gonna have him on 20 Squad, aren't I Pit?"

Buck laughs, "I don't think I'm ready to leave the LAFD yet."

There's a cough and Buck's just realised that the 118, sans Maddie _,_ are dumbfounded. Of course it makes sense, they probably learnt more about him in the past 10 minutes than they have in the past 3 years. 

"Hey Cap, do you mind if I head out a bit early?" He knows he's taking the coward's way out, but he isn't ready to explain it, not just yet.

"Yeah, no worries, uh thanks for coming in today."

"Thanks Bobby, and no problem."

Buck rushes to grab his stuff, not even bothering to change, "C'mon lets go, you too Mads."

"Can I-" 

"Absolutely not," Buck answers, cutting off Steve, "You are not touching my keys."

"You didn't even know what I was going to ask!"

Buck snorts, "Sure."

Steve just pouts and follows Buck and the others to the lot where the cars are parked.

"I still don't know how you do it," Danny comments, "He won't let me drive my _own_ car, and yet you just shut him up."

Buck just laughs in response.

"I hope you don't mind but can I come with you?" Buck hears _mamá_ ask Maddie.

"Oh absolutely not, I would love the company."

Buck smiles to himself, feeling better.

"What the hell was that?" Eddie's the one to break the silence.

"I - I don't know." Hen answers.

"I mean that did happen right? Like we aren't having a mass hallucination, and no one drugged or dosed us right?" Chim asks, "Right Cap?"

"I'm just as confused as you are, but I'm sure Buck will explain everything to us, once he's ready?" It comes out as question instead of a statement.

"Right," Eddie's weary, Buck never mentioned anything about them until last week, he thought they were best friends.

"He spoke - Eddie, he spoke Spanish," Chim adds, disbelief in his voice.

That had definitely caught Eddie off guard, "Yeah, he did. He - he didn't even have an accent."

Eddie's dumbfounded, he thought he knew Buck like the back of hand, the things that made him tick, every quirk, every odd habit, Eddie thought he had it down to a science but watching whatever that had just happened unfold made him question everything. Sure they'd only known each other for a few years but Buck was practically his other half, the were a unit, always in sync, knowing what the other was thinking, but now? He doesn't know what to think.

"We're not going to let this go are we?" Hen asks, "Cause I really, really don't want to let this go."

"Cap!" Chim looks like he's found a gold mine, "Invite them over to yours, and then we can find out what's so special about today."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll ask Athena." Bobby answers, still in a daze from everything that just unfolded.

Eddie trudges back to the locker room, mind reeling. There was some comfort in what happened, even if it was only Buck saying he wasn't done with the LAFD - the 'yet' was ringing in his head but he chose to ignore it - he drops onto the bench, cradling his head, trying to make sense of everything that just happened. He hadn't missed the distinction when his mother had told them to call her Mrs Alvarez instead of Aleena - Eddie thinks that's her name -, and Eddie's left more confused. Alvarez? As far as he was aware, Buck had no Latino heritage in him, but then again, it seems that he didn't know anything about Buck. Buck knew about his past, he knew about his parents in El Paso and how he doesn't have the best of relations with this, he knows about Shannon and everything that happened between them, he knows about Eddie's Silver Star and why he got it but what does Eddie know about Buck?

Buck's apartment is barely big enough for all of them but they manage to squeeze everyone in. Maddie, _mamá_ , and Danny sitting on the sofa and Buck, Steve and Hondo scattered around the floor. Maddie and _mamá_ are holding a glass of grape juice, while Buck and the others are drinking beer.

"He did what?" Maddie exclaims as she hears one of their stories, disbelief written on her face, "You jumped out of 10 story building and ended up with only a broken arm?"

"You think I wanted to jump out of a 10 story building? It was a last ditch effort, but yeah I was expecting worse," Buck explains, laughing, "Toni lost his shit when I jumped, I can still hear him calling me an idiot and some other colourful words."

"To Toni and Buck." Steve raises his bottle.

"To Toni and Buck," Everyone echoes, raising their own drinks in the air.

Everyone cheers at that and Buck is happy, he's happy to have his family back. They're interrupted by his phone buzzing on the table.

"Bobby? Is everything alright?" He picks up, worried.

" _Everything's fine Buck_ ," He answers calmly and Buck breathes as the worry leaves, " _Athena and I are hosting a barbecue tomorrow night and I was hoping you'd attend, you can bring your..._ " Bobby trails off at the end.

"Family," He answers without hesitation, "My family."

" _Yeah, your family._ "

"I'll check with them and let you know."

" _Alright, bye Buck._ "

"Bye Bobby."

"What was that about?" Hondo asks.

"It was Bobby, said that he was hosting a barbecue at his place, he wanted me to bring you guys." 

"Oh." Maddie places the glass on the table, "I think I know why, I mean it's pretty obvious why, Chim's been texting me nonstop, asking questions about everyone."

"They don't know?" Danny asks.

Buck shakes his head, eyes on the floor.

"Evan why?" Steve asks, and Buck knows it's serious, no one used his first name unless it was absolutely necessary.

"I can't," His voice breaks and tears threaten to escape, "I can't tell them, not - not until they get justice."

"Is this about justice or revenge Evan?" Danny voice is loud in the now silent apartment.

"Justice, it's about justice! They died because of him! I - I can't tell them everything, not until he's brought to justice."

"Evan, are you sure?" 

"Yes! This was never about revenge, if it was, I wouldn't be here, I would've killed him long ago, but it's about justice, it's about brining him to justice and making him face the consequences of his actions," Buck explains feeling frustrated.

"If Evan wanted revenge, we wouldn't be here, and you all know that." _Mamá_ points out.

"Alright, okay, but you promise you'll tell them?" Steve asks, clearly aware of how frustrated Buck's starting to get - he could alway read Buck like the back of his hand.

He nods, "I swear, so," He clears his throat, "You guys down for Bobby's barbecue?" 

Steve goes to answer but is interrupted by his phone - what is with everyone trying call them.

"McGarrett." He answers, "Are you sure? Alright, thanks."

"What was that about?" Danny ask, "Thought we had the week off."

"We did," Steve starts and then his gaze settles on Buck, "That was a friend from INTERPOL, I had him keep an eye out for Rockmond."

"Did he - Did he find anything?" He's pushing away any sort of hope, he can't hope, he has to be sure.

"Yes, we leave tomorrow."

Buck's heart jumps, "Why not now?"

"Buck, it's not that easy, this is not a sanctioned mission. I need to get everything ready, pull in some favours, you know the drill."

"How long will you be gone?" Maddie asks, worry etched all over her face.

"I - I don't know," He answers truthfully, he takes her hand holds it, "A couple of days, maybe a week, but I'll fight to come back."

"You promise?" Her voice is shaky and tears are collecting in her eyes, she holds up a pinky.

Buck smiles a little, "I promise Mads." He interlocks his pinky with hers.

He doesn't sleep that night, he's tossing and turning on the sofa. He's anxious, nervous, excited? He can't find the right words to describe how he's feeling, too many emotions are running though him but he doesn't get up, he won't take the risk of waking up Maddie or _mamá._ He stares at the ceiling, he's finally going to get justice - he doesn't think of it as revenge, revenge would be to kill Rockmond, to watch the life drain out of his eyes just like he had with Toni, justice was about making Rockmond suffer in a maximum security prison, make him regret everything he's ever done.

_"Hondo and me are going to breach from the north entrance, Viper and 'Hem take the back door, Pit and Gold breach through the front entrance, we're going to have him surrounded." Steve orders, "He has 2 guards stationed at each entrance, take 'em and stay low."_

_They all nod and take their positions._

_"Now." Steve's voice crackles though the ear piece._

_Buck and Toni work in sync, he grabs the first guard and hold in in a chokehold, Toni mirroring his positions and within seconds they're down. He nods at Toni and they walk through the front door, and take the stairs, heat signatures showing that Rockmond's in his study. He leads the way, Toni behind him, as they survey their surroundings. He locks eyes with Eve across the hall, Aliya standing behind her, copying Toni's position. Steve joins a few seconds later, Hondo behind him. He waits for Steve's signal._

_They breach into he study and find him sitting on his sofa, he was calm and collected, Buck should've realised that something was wrong._

_"How lovely of you join me." There's something to his tone that irks Buck, the calm and cool emotion that he displayed, "I must say, I thought the guards were going to be more of a problem. But, no worries, though it is a shame that we met like this. I do have other things I need to do."_

_Buck frowns, something was definitely wrong._

_Then everything goes dark - if someone had asked what happened, he wouldn't be able to say anything, everything was so quick - there was a loud bang, the smell of blood and burnt flesh makes him gag. There's a heavy weight on top of him as liquid drips down his back._

He shakes his head, ridding himself of that god awful memory - he doesn't like to think about that night. 

He hears quiet footsteps, no, two pairs of quiet footsteps.

"Maddie, _mamá?"_ He calls out, sitting up to get a better view.

"Buck," Maddie breathes and she walks over to him, "I just need to be with you right now."

She places herself next to him, _mamá_ following suit. 

"I never thought that I would be doing this again," _Mamá_ chuckles, but Buck can hear the sadness lying beneath it, "Can't say that I missed it."

"I'm sorry," Buck apologises.

"No," She places a hand on his, "I know for a fact that Toni would've done the same thing for you."

"I wish I could've met him."

Buck smiles sadly, "You would've loved him, he kept me in check, he was practically my impulse control." He lets out a laugh, "We were on an Op once, trekking though a jungle and I was getting so tired, and hungry, we walk by this bush right, and it has these reddish orange berries. They looked delicious, and I was hungry so I picked a couple and washed them off. Just as I'm about to eat them, Toni slaps them out of my hands and tells me they're poisonous. I would've been dead if he wasn't there," He muses.

They laugh, but it stops as the reality of the situation settles in. 

"I know you're worried Maddie, but I'm going to do my best to come back okay?" He tells her, squeezing her hand, "If anything happens, and I'm not saying that it will, but this is a precaution: my will is in the safe," Maddie squeezes his hand tighter, as tears fall down her face, "There's also all my bank information and socials in there, my marriage certificate as well, literally everything important is in the safe. If I don't make it, you and _mamá_ can tell them but don't tell them anything, not yet, please."

"I promise, I, uh, I was going to tell everyone next week but," She hesitates, steadying herself, "I'm having a girl."

"Maddie that's great! I'm so happy for you." 

"We decided on Evelyn."

Buck freezes, his mind catching up with the fact that Maddie and Chim decided to name their child after him, "Maddie I- I don't know what to say." 

"You don't have to say anything, just come back home safe."

Eddie arrives at Bobby's on time. He's carrying a bottle of red wine in one hand and holding Chris' hand in the other. He's anxious - right fully so in his mind - Buck was going to bring the rest of his family; when he heard Buck call them family with out any sort of hesitation, he felt something ugly inside of him grow. He knows that Buck's basically a golden retriever and takes to people easily, but he knows Buck never uses the word 'family' without thought.

"Eddie, hi, come on in." Bobby greets and Eddie's sure that he sees the faintest sign of disappointment on his face - Eddie doesn't blame him, he'd be expecting Buck too.

He follows Bobby into the house and everyone's there, sans Buck and the rest of his 'family'. Chris lets go of his hand walks to garden where Harry and Denny are playing. He gives the bottle to Athena who accepts it with a smile. No one says anything, they're all tense, maybe even anxious.

"Has Maddie said anything about when they're coming?" Hen asks Chim as she takes a sip of her wine.

"Nothing, she hasn't looked at any of my messages since last night." 

"Is she okay?" Eddie asks, he may not know Maddie the best but he knows that she would never intentionally ignore Chim.

"She called me this morning," He explains, and that soothes some of the worry that had started to grow, "She said that they were gonna be late."

No on speaks after that, they're all too anxious to make small talk. They sit like that for at least another half hour before a knock sounds. Eddie practically jumps up from his seat but Chimney beats him to it, he rushes to the door and opens it. Eddie's right behind him but is greeted by only Maddie, her eyes red rimmed, Buck and the others are nowhere to be seen.

"Maddie what happened? Is everything okay?" Chim pulls her into a hug, and Eddie's lost, he doesn't know what to feel. Did they hurt Buck? Just the thought makes his blood boil.

"I - I need to call him." She whispers.

He watches as Chimney guides her inside and almost immediately everyone's on her, asking her questions. She doesn't answer any, she just pulls out her phone, and dials a number he doesn't recognise. He answers as soon as the first ring sounds out.

"Mads, are you there?"

"Yes."

He hears Buck take a deep breath, almost as if he's steadying himself.

"Buck, where are you? What happened?"

"I'm fine, I just need to head out for- for sometime. I'm not sure when I'm going to be back or if I'm coming-"

"Buck are you in danger?" Athena asks, her tone shifting from Athena to Sergeant Grant.

"No," He hears Buck mumble something under his breath, it's too quiet for the microphone to catch, "This is just in case I don't make it back."

"Buck what's that supposed to mean?" Worry sets itself deep into Eddie's bones.

"Just - just let me speak, please. I am grateful for everything you guys have done, I am grateful for being allowed into your family. If I don't make it back, I need you guys to know that you saved me, and I will forever be grateful for that."

"You scaring us Buckaroo." Athena's tone is gentle almost as if she's trying coax something out of him.

"I love you guys, but this is something I need to do. Bobby and Athena, thank you for being the parents I never had, Hen and Chim, I know I was an ass when I first came but thank you for sticking by my side. And Eddie-" Buck's voice cracks and there are tears in Eddie's eyes, "Thank you for being my best friend, for sticking by my side. I know I was a jackass to you on your first day, and I'm really sorry about that. I need to tell you this and I understand if you don't feel the same, but I can't leave without telling you this, I'd regret it too much, I _love_ you Eddie, I love you so much and I know you like Ana but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell you before I left."

Everything stops, all he can hear is the beating of his own heart and Buck's words echoing.

"No," Eddie starts, "You can't - you can't do that, you can't just tell us that you're going somewhere and don't know when, _if_ , you're coming back and tell me you love me. If you really love me, you'd be here, telling it to my face, instead saying it through a phone."

"I'm sorry Eddie-" Buck's cut off by someone calling out for him, "I love you guys, if I don't make it back, Maddie and _mamá_ will explain everything. Athena, I need you to promise me that you won't go looking, please."

The desperation in his voice is clear as day, and Athena looks torn, "I don't-"

"'Thena, please." 

"I promise I won't go looking." She promises but there's something in her eyes, and Eddie knows she's not going to give up easily.

"Thank you. I love you guys." With that he hangs up.

The tension in the room hangs over them like a cloud. No one says anything, they're all staring at Maddie's phone and Eddie's hoping it was some sick, twisted prank and that Buck would show up a few seconds later, knocking on the door, wearing his trademark grin. Seconds, minutes go by - he's not really sure how long the sit in silence - and no one says anything. 

Buck loves him, and they way he said it, Eddie knows it's not the way friends love each other and Eddie knows he likes Buck, more than a way a friend does but he's never liked a man before, and he was scared so he overcompensates with his Ana, he talks to and about her constantly, because if he told himself that he likes her enough times he'll start to believe it. There's a voice in his head - that sounds suspiciously like Shannon - that says it's not fair on either of them.

"Maddie, do you know what's going on?" Athena's the one to break the silence and Eddie should've guessed that she would be the one, she was alway the cool headed one.

She just nods, and doesn't say anything else. She just hold Chim's hand and wipes her tears away, but it makes not difference, new ones take their place.

"Can you tell us?"

"No."

He physically recoils, "What do you mean no?"

"I mean no, I promised Buck that I wouldn't say anything." Her voice is shaky but Eddie doesn't care.

"Maddie, he's doing something dangerous. He said that he doesn't know _if_ he's coming back, you have to tell us what you know." Eddie presses, he can't bear the thought of losing his best friend, his partner, his other half.

She laughs, it's wet and angry, it's anything but Maddie, "You think I don't know that? He promised me he would fight to come back, and I believe him." He's never heard her say words with such conviction and Eddie almost believes her, "I promised him that I wouldn't say anything, it's his story to tell." She turns to Athena, "I need you to promise me that you won't go digging into his past, he'll tell you himself."

"I don't-"

"Athena please." Her voice is just as desperate as Buck's and Eddie's wondering what is Buck hiding.

"I promise Maddie."

"I need to you to also promise that you won't have anyone else look into him," She says and Eddie watches as Athena freezes, and it's obvious she was thinking of doing it, "This is his story, his life and none of you," She punctuates, eyes gazing across everyone in the room, "Should go digging into his past, there's a reason he hasn't said anything. Hell I didn't even know until a couple of days ago. So I need you, I need all of you, to promise me that you won't go digging into his past."

No one says anything, not at first anyway. It's eerily quiet and he can see the anger building up in Maddie's eyes.

"I promise," Athena speaks, her voice is resigned, and Eddie knows if Athena promised, then none of them really have the balls to go against her promise. 

Everyone else echoes her sentiment, albeit reluctantly. Eddie does it too, but he really doesn't want to, he's going to go insane without Buck here. A part of Eddie is bursting with anger, what the hell is Buck hiding and why is he so adamant about hiding his past?

"Maddie," Eddie hates how scared his voice sounds, "Just tell us something, anything please."

He can see her thinking, "He's not alone, his family is there with him."

Again with the family, Eddie didn't even know they existed until Hondo showed up at the station a few days ago, "We're his family," His voice echoes and he manages to not yell, "We should be with him!"

"You are," Her voice is calm and Eddie realises she's using her operator voice on him, "But so are they, they helped him through things, things that I didn't even know happened."

"So have we!" He fights back, "We were the when he was crushed by the firetruck, we were there when he had the pulmonary embolism! We were there for him!"

"Eddie-"

"Why is he lying to us?" He cuts off Bobby, not wanting to hear the older man speak.

"He's not lying to you," Maddie fires back, "He's doing what he needs to do!"

They're at each others faces, breathing heavily.

"Cut it out you two," Athena orders, "We all care about Buck, fighting isn't going to do anything to bring him back."

Eddie sits back down, defeated, "I'm sorry."

"I'm not," Maddie declares, "I was keeping my promise to Buck."

Eddie sighs, "Doesn't he trust us?"

Maddie's face softens, it's almost apologetic, "He does, but this isn't about trust Eddie, he needs to do this - he needs closure."

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

Maddie gives him a pointed look and he holds his hands up in defeat, "Right, sorry."

He tips his head back and breathes in deep, his mind racing with possibilities. Was Buck involved in some gang? A Mafia? A Cartel? He really doesn't know, he would've never thought these things before but after everything that's happened, he doesn't know what to believe about Buck. Maddie said that he wasn't alone, that his family was with him, Eddie could work with that. He's assuming she means McGarrett, Williams and Harrelson. All there of them are law enforcement officers, so he might be doing something to do with the law, he might be on an undercover mission, or helping them with a case. It's dangerous, he's gathered that much with the way Buck had said he doesn't know if he's coming back. That thought scares Eddie more than anything, he doesn't know if he cold survive losing Buck, and what would he tell Christopher? How was he supposed to tell Christopher that someone he loves, someone he looks up may not come home? The conversation about Shannon was hard enough, but doing the same thing about Buck would be heart wrenching. The thought of it alone is enough to send him into the darkest places of his mind and he has to remind himself that Buck's not dead, the traitorous part of his mind adds the 'yet' he wanted to avoid. 

His fear is quickly replaced with anger, why hadn't Buck told them anything? He would've jumped at the opportunity to help Buck, and Buck knows that the 118 would do anything to help him, so why hadn't he come to them? It all came back to trust - he doesn't care about what Maddie said - did Buck not trust them the way they trusted him? It obvious that Buck trusted them with their lives, that was a given being a firefighter and all, but did Buck not trust them with everything else? Everything that makes Buck, Buck? He knows all about them, all their mistakes and regrets and what their life was like before the 118, but the rest of them? Eddie knows for a fact that they know barely anything about Buck, hell they didn't even know he had a sister until she showed up in L.A. running away from her abusive husband. Now that he comes to think of it, he could practically count all the things he knows about Buck's past in one hand: he grew up in Pennsylvania, he bartended in South America for a while, he has a strained relationship with his parents (given that they never showed up when he was crushed by the ladder truck or when he had his pulmonary embolism, something that still blows his mind, he knows if anything like that ever happened to Chris, he wouldn't be allowed to leave his sight till the day Eddie dies), he tries to think about anything else that Buck told him but Eddie draws a blank, it's like Buck barely existed before the 118. 

Buck's mind is racing a million miles an hour, his heart is beating so loud that he's sure that everyone else can hear it.

"Pit?" Buck looks up, his eyes meeting 3 pairs of concerned ones.

"Yeah?" His voice cracks at the ends of the word, giving away his anxiety.

"You know we're not to going to let anything happen to you, right?" Hondo asks and Buck knows it, he knows they'd take a bullet for him, but he knows how quickly things can go south, he suffered the consequences before.

"Yeah," He forces out, "I know."

His answer clearly doesn't satisfy them because the next he knows is Steve shifts closer to him, hand on placed on Buck's shoulder, "What's going on in that head of yours kid?"

And Buck loses it, "I'm scared and it's dumb, I've done this a million times before. I walked into burning buildings and come out unscathed, I've survived being crushed by a ladder truck, a pulmonary embolism, a tsunami, so why am I scared to see him?" He doesn't even realise he's shaking until Hondo places his hand on Buck's.

"It's okay to be scared," Hondo soothes, "Just because you've survived all of that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel fear."

Buck nods and tries to take in his words, he was allowed to be afraid, "I also survived 9 years with him." Buck jokes, pointing his finger at Steve.

That seems to make everyone laugh and Buck's fear eases a bit, he can do this. He leans his head against the seat, and closes his eyes, letting his mind mull over his conversation with the team, they were no doubt going to bombard Maddie with questions, and guilt settles in, he should't have left Maddie to deal with all of them alone. The only relief he felt was when Athena agreed to not go digging, to be fair she wouldn't have found anything, save for his marriage certificate, which would raise more questions. He's trying to picture their reactions if Athena hadn't promised him, he's pretty sure that they wouldn't believe that he was married, not with what he did when he first joined the 118. He cringes internally at 'Buck 1.0', he knows for a fact that if Toni were alive he would've no doubt smacked some sense into him. He also knows that Toni would've shouted at him for doing every impulse thing he's ever done since joining the 118, but that wouldn't be new, he was alway yelling at Buck for doing impulsive things but it never came out of a place of anger, it was alway out of worry. Buck was so sure that he'd die before Toni because he was the only who took stupid risks, not Toni, he was the one who dove into dangerous things headfirst without giving it a second thought, not Toni, he was the one who too the dangerous routes and missions without sparing a glance, not Toni.

He just told Eddie that he loved him, like _loved_ him loved him. He lets out a ragged breath, fear washing over him, he may have potentially ruined the best thing he had since Toni but Eddie didn't react negatively to it, so there may be hope. He clings onto that hope like a lifeline, he's going to make it out alive, for Maddie, for _mamá_ , for the 188, for Eddie and Chris.

Buck didn't even realise he'd fallen asleep until he was being woken up by Steve shaking him.

"C'mon kid, we're here." 

Buck gets up and stretches, first his back, then his arms and then his legs, he pays extra attention to the left one, he can't afford for it to cramp. He follows Steve out and takes a deep breath in, his lungs rejoice at the feeling of actual oxygen, not the compressed one he was breathing in the aeroplane. Not even two seconds later he shivers, the cold winds of Belgium biting at him. The wind is frigid but is a welcoming contrast to the hot and clammy weather of L.A., he wraps his arms around him and walks towards the truck. Buck sighs as he sits in the seat of the truck, it's still cold but it's warmer than outside and Buck's not complaining, unlike someone.

"Why does this bastard have to resurface in Belgium of all places?" Danny complains, "Couldn't he have picked a better place like Australia or New Zealand? I hear Polynesia is nice this time of the year."

Buck smiles to himself as Steve replies to Danny, and their argument begins, both going back and forth. Buck catches Hondo's eye who laughs with Buck at their behaviour. The familiar sense of nostalgia settling into his bones as he remembers some of their old missions.

"Do I need to book you guys a therapy appointment?" Buck jokes, and he's met with two glares, he just laughs harder.

"Shut up," They both snap at him and go back to their bickering. 

By the time they reach the motel, Buck's exhausted, he's sore from sitting in the same position for too long, it didn't help that both Hondo and Buck were squished in the back seat without nearly enough room to fit two 6ft men. He practically jumps out of the car, cherishing the newly acquired space. He eyes their surroundings, everything's covered in snow but it's not hard to make out shapes, there's a gas station right across and Buck can see a fancy hotel a couple of shops down. He's assuming that's where Rockmond's staying.

He follows Steve inside, the others trailing behind him. Steve gets them 2 rooms, he's sharing a room with Hondo, and Buck does a little victory dance in his head, Hondo doesn't snore.

"Get some rest, we'll talk about things tomorrow." Steve orders as he unlocks his room.

"Aye, aye captian." Buck mock salutes, drawing out a chuckle from everyone. 

The room was what he expected it to be, there were two queen beds, each bed pushed against the wall, and in between them two nightstands were there side by side, a lamp sitting each one. There was a small desk pushed up against the other wall, the T.V. was on the wall, facing the beds, it was a small one but Buck doubts that they're going to use it.

"I'll go freshen up and you get settled." 

Buck nods and drops his bag on the bed and begins his inspection, and everything looks fine, despite the weird smell that made his nose scrunch if he breathed in too deeply. He claims the bed on the left side and flops onto it. He groans in relief and kicks off his shoes, he could fall sleep any second. He can hear the shower running and Buck fights off the incoming sleepiness, he knows if he falls asleep now he'll regret it tomorrow morning when he wakes feeling all dirty and icky. 

He stares at the ceiling, trying to find weird shapes in the concerning stains that decorate the ceiling. He gives up a few minutes later, they all look the same. 

Buck's emotions were running high, he was feeling too much - if anyone were to ask how he was feeling, he honest to god would not be able to describe it. He shifts in the bed trying to get more comfortable when pain shoots up his calf - he should've expected it, he was told that cold weather might aggravate it and cold weather was something that he never had to worry about in L.A.. He grunts in pain as he sits up, ruffling through his bag. The medication was all the way at the bottom; he places the pill bottle on the nightstand, making a mental note to eat them after he's showered, the pills always made him feel sleepy. He finds the balm on the other side of the bag, and places it next to the pill bottle, he'll apply it after the shower. 

Hondo comes out some time later, freshly showered and Buck gets off the bed and walks to the bathroom, unable to keep the limp hidden.

"Hey, you alright?" Hondo asks, concern etched on his face.

"I'm fine," He assures Hondo, "The cold makes it act up." He explains gesturing to his leg, "I have my medicine and I'll stretch it before going to bed."

"Alright, but you promise to tell us if it gets too bad right?"

"Promise."

"Okay, I'm going to get something to eat, what do you want?"

"I'm fine with whatever, as long at it's food," Buck jokes.

Hondo nods and leaves, the door closing with a small _thud_. He rushes through the shower, the pain getting more intense by the minute. By the time he's done, Hondo's back, he's sitting on his bed, munching on a burger and Buck's stomach growls out loud.

Hondo laughs at him, it's loud and hearty, "Here you go kid," He gives Buck his burger and Buck devours it. He hasn't eaten since before they left.

"Easy there Pit, you're going to end up choking on it."

Buck snorts, remembering his date with Abby, "Funny story, I did actually choke on bread and ended up having an emergency tracheotomy on the floor of a restaurant on Valentine's day."

Hondo gives him a look and it's clear that he's trying to decipher whether or not he was lying.

"I swear, it was Abby - it was like our first proper date and I'm super nervous right? So I eat some bread, trying to calm my nerves and the next thing I know I'm choking on it."

Hondo laughs, "Only you kid, only you."

Buck laughs with him and it's reminiscent of their times during deployment. They continue to talk after that, Buck regaling stories as a firefighter and Hondo as a SWAT Sergeant. He shifts a bit and pain flares up his leg and he winces.

"You okay?" Hondo asks, concern etched onto his face.

He nods, "Just my leg." 

Hondo nods and switches the wrapper in his hand for his pain medication, "I'll go throw the trash and make sure those two don't end up killing each other."

Buck chuckles and takes the medication, watching as Hondo walks out. He groans when he reaches out for the balm, maybe Danny was onto something when he said that Rockmond should've resurfaced on the Polynesian Islands, at least then he wouldn't have to worry about his leg.

He wakes up the next morning feeling better, the pain in his leg no longer there. He wakes Hondo up and laughs when the holder man throws a pillow at him, "Let a brother sleep," He mumbles into the pillow.

"When did I ever listen to you?"

"Touché."

"C'mon get ready, we're doing surveillance today!" He says with fake enthusiasm, "You don't want to miss it!"

Buck doesn't catch what Hodno says, his face still smothered by the pillow but he assumes it's him complaining.

"Complain all you want, you and I both know you'd rather be woken up by me and not Danno." 

That seems to jog Hondo's brain cause he gets up almost immediately and Buck lets out a laugh but Buck can't help agree with his own statement - Daniel Williams was a forced to be reckoned with in the morning.

"I'm coming in," Danny calls out as the door opens, and Buck wonders if he has a sixth sense relating to when people talk about him.

Buck quickly grabs a towel and rushes into the bathroom, leaving Hondo to deal with him.

By the time he's done, Hondo's on the bed fully awake and Danny's sitting on his bed, reading his prescription and Buck prepares himself for a lecture about personal safety.

"Why didn't you tell us your leg was acting up?" Danny asks, hurt clear in his voice and Buck can't help but feel guilty.

"It wasn't, until last night, I swear," He explains, "The cold makes it worse but I swear it's better now, it doesn't hurt anymore." Danny narrows his eyes, as if he doesn't believe him, "I swear Danno."

"You'd tell us if it hurt right?"

"I promise Danny."

That seems to satisfy him and he places the pill bottle on the nightstand, right next to the balm. Hondo grabs his stuff and goes into the bathroom, and Buck takes his place on his bed.

A knock sounds out before the odds opens and Steve walks in carrying two bags of what Buck assumes is breakfast.

"Ah finally!" Danny exclaims, getting up and grabbing one of the bag from Steve. He peers into it and then frowns, "Where's my Bagel?"

"They ran out," Steve shrugs, dropping the other bag on the nightstand.

"And you couldn't get me one from another shop because?"

"Because I'm not your maid Danno," Steve explains, handing Buck a sandwich, "Plus, it'd take longer for me to get a bagel."

"Unbelievable." Danny mutters and Buck holds back a laugh.

"What's this?" Steve gestures to the medication and balm.

Buck sighs inwardly, he should've kept them back in his bag, "Pain medication and balm for my leg and before you ask, it's fine now."

"Alright," Steve says and takes out his own sandwich.

Hondo comes out a few minutes later, freshly showered and reaches for the remaining sandwich in the bag.

"Okay, here's the plan, we stake out in the lobby of his hotel and we observe," He punctuates the last word and glances at Buck, he rolls his eyes but stays quiet.

It's Eddie's first shift back without Buck and it feels wrong. He keeps turning to make some comment but he stops when he realises that Buck isn't there. He was missing his partner and it was driving him mad, the only upside it that it's a 12 hour shift, but it also means that he has to spend the rest of the day without Buck. 

He manages to power through his shift, he keeps his head up and does everything like he should. It was 8 by the time he reached home and he wanted do to nothing more than just collapse onto the bed but he knew he couldn't, he had a date with Ana. 

**_anna:_ **

**_i'll see you @ 8!_ **

_me:_

_yep!_

Eddie sighs as he pulls into the parking lot, he could see Ana's car parked a few cars down. He steeles his nerves and walks in, greeting the hostess before she leads him to the table.

Ana looked really good and a part of him really wished it could've worked out - Ana was pretty, she was good with Chris, and she was sweet, everything that Eddie should've liked but he didn't. He thought he liked her, but after hearing Buck on the phone, he knew, he knew that he couldn't be with Ana, not when Buck was there. Buck who went above and beyond to help Eddie, Buck who stood by him without a question, Buck who loved him, who loved Chris. He knew he had to end it, he couldn't string her along.

"Hey," She greets him, flashing a smile.

"Hey, you look good." He compliments her, flashing her a smile back, hoping that it looked real.

He pulls out the chair and sits, it's not a fancy restaurant by any means, it's decent, affordable. It was Ana's turn to pay today, but Eddie knew he couldn't let her pay, not after what he's put her through. It was only their second date so it wasn't like there were any major feelings involved, they were testing out the waters and while it may have seemed safe for Ana, Eddie knew it was just a tsunami waiting to happen.

He orders a Chicken Alfredo and she orders a Penne with Pesto. He's both guilty and nervous, a part of him is scared that she'll treat Chris different, but the rational part of him knows she wouldn't, she's good like and that and it makes him feel all the more worse.

"Well you seem deep in thought," She comments and it brings hims out of his mind.

He smiles, "Just thinking."

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"Just, uh, just everything," He tries to keep it vague, not wanting to ruin their dinner.

She narrows her eyes at him but doesn't press it, instead she makes small talk and Eddie complies, replying when appropriate and necessary. They eat dinner in silence, and guilt settles in his stomach when she asks for the bill.

"Let me," He tells her, placing a hand on hers, there was no way Eddie was going to let her pay for dinner and then break up with her.

"No, I got it."

"Ana, please," There must've been something on his face or in his voice because she gives in and hands him the bill.

He smiles at her but she doesn't return it back and Eddie knows she's connected the dots. 

They walk out of the restaurant side by side, by there's awkwardness in the air, they're both stiff, Ana has her hands tucked in her pockets and Eddie mirrors her. They stop at her car and she leans in for a kiss, but Eddie steps back. Ana realises and steps back as well, her back hitting the hood of her car.

"Oh." She comments.

"Ana, I'm sorry," He apologise, "I - I , fuck." He rubs his face, unable to form the sentence, "I'm an ass, and I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that I led you on," He can't bring himself to look her in the eye, "I thought, maybe if I went out with you, I could like you but fuck, I just-" 

"Eddie, it's fine-"

"It's not! You deserve an explanation," He stops her, "I - Buck called and I -"

"Eddie, I get it," She places a hand on his bicep and Eddie assumes she's trying to comfort him but it does the opposite because he wants those hands to be Buck's, "You don't have to apologise for liking your friend, I'm hurt but I'm glad you didn't let it get further than two dates."

"I'm so sorry," He apologies, still not looking her in the eye, "For what it's worth, you're an amazing woman and I really hope you find a guy who treats you like the woman you are."

She smiles at him, "Thank you Eddie." She kisses his cheek, "Goodbye."

He walks back to his car and drives to his _Abeula's_ , he desperately needed to talk to her.

He knocks on her door, loud enough to get her attention but soft enough that it shouldn't wake up a hopefully sleeping Christopher. A few moments later she opens the door.

"Eddie? What's wrong?" 

"I - I need to talk to you."

She nods and pulls him in, leading him to the sofa, "What happened?"

He opens his mouth once, twice, three times but nothing comes out. He doesn't know how to say it, he doesn't know what to say. He doesn't even realise that his hands are shaking until she puts them in hers.

" _Mijo_ you're scaring me." Her voice is soft and gentle.

"I-" He swallows the lump in his throat before clearing it, trying to think of a good way to explain to his grandmother that he was in love with his best friend, "You remember Buck right?"

She nods, "Your friend from work no?"

Eddie nods, "He, uh, he said something the other day and I-" He freezes, unable to get the words out, " _Abuela_ I-" He can't get it out, why was it so hard to get it out?

"Oh Eddie," She sighs, placing her hand on his cheek, wiping away a tear that he didn't even know had fallen down, "I know," He looks at her wide eyed, how could she have possible known? "I may be old, but I can still see how much that boy loves you and Chris, and I can see how much you love him." Eddie cries harder, "Is that why you're here? To tell me that you love him?"

Eddie nods.

"Oh Edmundo, I already knew, I was waiting for you to catch up." She smiles.

"You don't care that he's a man?" He whispers.

"I care that he makes you happy," She assures him and Eddie feels like a weight's been lifted off his shoulder, "I care that he loves Christopher like his own." 

Eddie hugs her, holding on tight.

They observe Rockmond for the next two day and if Buck's being honest, he's slowly losing it. He wants nothing more than to walk up to the bastard and drag him back home where he'll rot in prison for the rest of his natural life. 

On the third day, is where everything goes to hell. They'd decided to confront him, well Buck may or may not have practically chewed off Steve's ear with his whining but that was besides the point. He was tasked with following Rockmond and taking out his guards. 

"Here put this in your mouth." Danny orders, handing him a small chip.

Buck frowns, "What?"

Danny rolls his eyes, "It's a tracker you goof, in case anything happens we'll know where to find you."

"But I already have one," He gestures to his shoes.

"God," Danny sighs, "The shoe tracker is literally the most obvious one, jus please put this in your mouth, and please, please, please don't swallow it."

Buck rolls his eyes but complies anyway, sticking the tracking between his wisdom teeth, "Happy now?"

"Yes, very."

He follows Rockmond around, staying behind enough that his guards don't suspect anything but still close enough to see his every move or so he thought because it take a whole 10 minutes before Buck's slammed into a wall with a gun pressed to his abdomen.

"Who the hell are you?" The man snarls.

If there is one thing that everyone knows about Evan Buckley is that he doesn't do anything halfway - that goes for his time in the SEALs as well. He was notorious for being being a sarcastic prick who taunted the hell out of the people he was supposed to be tracking. It was one of the reasons why he was on of the best SEAL had seen, he was able to switch off his emotions and do his job without feeling any remorse or guilt. It was his team that had kept him grounded, well grounded enough hat he didn't accidentally kill himself. Pit was left behind the day Toni died, and from that Buck arose, Buck wasn't sarcastic or rude, he was understanding, Buck was what he was with Toni, a loving goofball who wore his heart on his sleeve. 

Buck smirks and headbutts the man, the gun clatters to the floor and Buck kicks it away, dodging the punch meant for his face. He throws his own punch back, grinning when it hits the nose of his attacker. He brings his fists back up in a defensive position, blocking the next onslaught of punches. He ducks another one but doesn't get lucky the next time, he grunts in pain when the fist connects with his abdomen and Buck knows it going to bruise, he may be off the blood thinners but that doesn't mean that he still didn't bruise like a peach. A new pair of hands wrap themselves around his torso and he's thrown to the floor, his back hitting the concrete with a loud thud, his head following. He groans and tries to get up but is forced down by a foot on his chest. He's hauled by his shirt and Buck blinks a few times, trying to get his bearings, it doesn't last very long. Blood fills his mouth as another punch is thrown his way. He manages to dodge it and wrangles himself out of the grip of the new attacker. Just as he's about to go in for a punch, something jabs him in the neck and the next hing he knows is that he's hitting the ground once more. He can vaguely hear shouting in a foreign language before pain blossoms all across his body. His head falls back with a thud and darkness greets him.

Buck blinks awake, everything slowly starting to come into focus. He can taste the blood in his mouth and there's definitely a bruise forming on his face. He spits out the blood and takes in his surroundings, it's a plain room: the walls are grey and there's no furniture, save for the seat that he's strapped to, the leather restraints digging into his skin. There's a single light hanging from the ceiling, it dangles just above him, it's not a harsh light, in fact, it barely lights up the room. There are no windows, and he can't see any vents either, the room is also void of cameras.

He tugs at the restraints, testing how tight they are: it's not too tight but, it's enough to hurt when he tugs at them. He's missing his shoes, meaning they found the first tracker. He runs his tongue across his wisdom teeth and sighs in relief when he finds the second one still safely stuck to his teeth; they'll find him eventually but he knows it may take them time, the single will be spotty at best. The good thing is that the chair isn't bolted down to the floor and his legs aren't tied to the legs either.

"Ah, I see your finally awake." Rockmond smiles as he walks into the room, his bodyguards flanking each side, "I must say, I thought you had died that day, pity you survived. How did you survive anyway?"

He doesn't say anything, he instead opts to clench his fist and glare at him.

"Not the chatty one are you?" He questions, "But that's alright, you'll talk eventually."

Buck's got to hand it to him, he's pretty darn confident, but if there's anything that Buck is, it's that he's stubborn, and he refuses to tell Rockmond anything. 

"I'll ask you again, how did you survive?" 

"Guess you weren't as clever as you thought you were," He smirks, right now Buck holds all the cards.

Rockmond's smile falters ever so slightly, "I see," He comments, "They're not going to find you," Buck manages to hold back a smile, "My men found this on you when they took you," He explains as he pulls out a clear bag containing the crushed tracker, "You're all alone, what is it that your CO called you? Pit?"

Buck scowls but doesn't say anything, they don't know about the second tracker so he uses it to his advantage, he thinks that they're not going to find him, he hides a smirk and plays along, "Don't call me that." He growls out.

"I think I'll call you whatever the fuck I want, _Pit_ ," He mocks, "Tell me what did you think you were going to do when you find me?"

"I'm going to make you pay for you've done."

"Right, what I've done," He crouches down in front of Buck, "And what is it that I've done?"

"You're a bastard," Buck spits out, barely holding onto the anger coursing though his veins, "You've killed hundreds of innocent people, you sell your drugs to children so you can profit off their addiction, you lure women and children and sell them, you're nothing but a slimy bastard."

"You seem to know quite a bit about me, though I suppose it was probably in my case file wasn't it? But we both know that's not why you're here," Rockmond smirks, "This is about that night isn't it, tell me, how is your dear Toni? That was his name right? Heard you scream it."

Buck snarls at him, "Shut up."

Rockmond laughs, it's vile and makes his skin crawl, "Struck a nerve haven't I? Should've known a fag like you would've come running back for revenge. He wasn't the first I've killed, and you won't be last." 

Buck sees red. He headbutts him, causing him to fall flat on his ass and Buck grins in satisfaction, ignoring the throbbing pain blossoming from his forehead.

"You bastard," Rockmond spits and the next Buck knows is that he's being punched in the face, "I'm going to make sure you suffer, you're going to be wishing you were dead by the time I'm done with you."

Buck just smirks in response and smirks even wider when Rockmond gets even more angry. He watches as he snaps his finger and few second alter he's being drenched in cold water. And for a spilt second the world around him shifts, he's no longer in Belgium, he's back in L.A., on the pier. He's brought back by a sickening laugh, and he's back in the grey room again. The water stops, his mind is running on overdrive, but he keeps his eyes on Rockmond, pushing the thoughts of Christopher to the back of his head - he needs to make it out of here alive so he could see Chris and Eddie again.

"Really? Cold water?" Buck taunts, "C'mon now, I know you can do better." He can practically imagine Eddie's voice yelling at him for being dumb.

Rockmond scowls, "Don't test me."

Buck smirks, he was always up for a challenge. The smirk definitely seemed to offend him, the more he got Rockmond to focus on him, the less likely he'll be on guard, giving Steve, Danny and Hondo a better chance of getting him out of here.

"Leave." He orders his bodyguards. Buck watches as they share a glance and then walk out, leaving him alone in the room with Rockmond. Rockmond shrugs off his suit jacket, letting it drop the floor as he walks back to Buck, "Tell me, how did you find me anyway?"

Buck stays silent, choosing to look at him instead. He noticed the slight limp when he'd first walked in, it seems more obvious now: he was favouring his left leg, he makes a note to strike on the right side.

"I'm going to ask you one more time," Rockmond grabs his face, holding Buck still as his breath fans across his face, "How did you find me?"

"Jeez dude, you need some mouthwash, or a breath mint at least." Buck deflects.

Rockmond lets go of his face and reaches into his pocket, pulling out a pocket knife - of course he'd have one, what bad guy doesn't just have a pocket knife with him - and flicking it open. The metal blade glints under the light, Buck could see the faintest red stain on the sharp edge. He doesn't break eye contact as Rockmond brings the knife closer to him, "You've got one hell of a mouth kid, I'll give you that."

"Thanks," Buck smirks, "Heard your mum loves it."

In retrospect taunting the guy holding you hostage isn't the greatest idea, even if you've gone though the one of world's toughest training regiment, so really Buck should've seen the punch coming. The sound of his fist hitting Buck's jaw echoes in the room and he has to blink away the stars that litter his vision and the tears building up in his eyes as a result. It's so worth it in Buck's eyes, watching as Rockmond's jaw ticks with anger, the little vein in his neck pulsating with every breath.

"Watch your mouth boy," Rockmond snarls.

"Or what?" Buck shouldn't taunt him, and he knows that Danny's going to tear him a new one if he survives, but it was just so fun.

Rockmond makes a disapproving noise, "You kiss Toni with that filthy mouth of yours?" he taunts, "Oh, that's right, you can't."

Buck practically growls at him but all that does is make Rockmond smirk, "Shut up." He snarls.

"Struck a nerve have I?" 

"Once I get out, you're done," Buck spits, "You're going to jail, and let me tell you something, inmates don't take it well when you mess with children, I'd be surprised if you made it through the first day."

Rockmond laughs, "You get out? You're going to die in here, I'm going to make sure of it."

"Didn't do a good job of that last time, doubt you could do it again."

Buck watches as a maniacal look crosses his face, within second he's in front of Buck, and the next thing Buck knows is that the knife is embedded in his thigh. He doesn't scream, he won't give Rockmond the satisfaction, he clenches his jaw and takes a ragged breath as blood starts to seep out of the wound and he's glad that he no longer on blood thinners. Buck can tell that he didn't hit the femoral artery with how slow the blood is seeping through his jeans. Rockmond wipes the blood across his jeans, staining them even more.

"Oh c'mon, I really liked this pair," Buck whines, and it's true, they were one of his favourites.

"Shut up."

"I thought you wanted me to talk," This punch wasn't hard enough as the last one but it still hurt, he could feel the blood staining his teeth and coating his lips, he spits it out, laughing when it lands on his face. His eyes narrow into slits and pain flares up in his thigh as Rockmond presses on the wound, Buck grunts, unable to keep the sound in his mouth as stars dance across his vision.

"Maybe I should cut your tongue out." He grabs Buck's jaw and forces it open, tugging at his tongue, so he bites down. Hard. Blood immediately fills his mouth and a small piece of flesh floats in it, he spits it out instantly and gags - he doesn't think he'll ever have steak again. 

"I'm going to kill you," Rockmond screams as he reaches behind him and Buck knows it's now or ever, he just hopes that the others are on the way.

Rockmond's close enough for Buck to kick back, so he lifts his legs and kicks him straight in the chest, throwing him back causing the gun clatters to the side, but that also send Buck flying back. The chair hits the ground and he can feel a splitter or two digging into his back, he ignores it, a spitter or two is nothing compared to getting shot. He slams to the side and the tell tale sound of wood breaking echoes in the room, the back rest is broken and the hand-rests hang off his arms. He slides his arms out and lunges for the gun.. He's not fast enough though, Rockmond beats him to it, so Buck tackles him, arms wrapped around his leg as the main slams onto eh floor, his head hitting it first before the rest of his body. Buck gets up in an instant and grabs the gun, pointing it him.

"Get up," He orders.

Rockmond gets up, slowly, his hand raised above his head in surrender. He eyes the door and makes a run for it, and Buck scoffs, before shooting a warning shot. The door flies open and two bodyguards from before run in, guns held up. 

"Drop the gun," The one on the left orders.

He lowers the gun and places it on the floor. His arms are in the air, palms facing outwards, the common sign for surrender. They approach him cautiously, he can see Rockmond in the corner of his eyes heaving for air and Buck hides a smirk, the kick did more damage than he could hope. The bodyguards are by his side now, their guns till trained at him.

"You're going to die a painful death." Rockmond snarls and Buck resists the urge to roll his eyes, he should've guessed that Rockmond would have a flare for the dramatics. 

They grab his arms roughly and twist them behind his back, he winces in pain but keeps his mouth shut. They start to push him forward and Buck takes this as his chance. He kicks his right leg behind the right guard and falls to the floor with him, the other one lets go out of shock. The other guard goes for his gun but Buck recovers quicker, he grabs the gun out of the holster and stands up, he leg putting pressure on the man's neck. His gun is trained on the guard, he can hear Rockmond wheezing as he reaches for the gun lying on the floor. He shoots the guard square on the chest and aims for Rockmond.

The guard under his leg stops struggling and Buck lifts his leg off. Rockmond has the gun trained on him, both holding unwavering stances. It's a standoff, neither of them moving. Then all hell break loose. Gunshots echo and pain shoots through him, he looks down as blood stars to seep through his shirt and he drops to his knees, the pain becoming overwhelming and he just misses a bullet that would've hit him square in the chest. He looks up and sees Rockmond grinning manically and Buck shoots him on instinct. His bullet embeds itself in Rockmond's torso.

He gets up and staggers to him with his gun still trained on him. Spots dance across his vision but he powers through and places the barrel against his head.

"Do it!" Rockmond spits out, blood spraying across Buck's thigh.

The temptation is almost too much, he could end it all, years of waiting and making up scenarios finally paying off. He cocks the gun, and every inch of his body is creaming for revenge, to make him pay for taking the love of his life away, for taking his friends - _family -_ away from him. 

"No," Buck puts the safety on, "I'm not going to kill you, you're going to face the consequence of what you've done."

He tucks the gun in his waistband, fighting through the pain of the still hot barrel pressing against his skin. He hauls Rockmond up, using his collar as leverage. He sees the punch coming this time and ducks in time. His body protests as the sudden movement and a new wave of pain washes over him. He takes a few steps back, creating distance between Rockmond and himself. He ducks as another punch is thrown his way, and his own fist flies forward. He hears the sickening crunch of a nose breaking and Buck smirks as he watches Rockmond stagger back, clutching his nose as it drops blood. He takes this opportunity and kicks him in the chest, causing him to fall back and Buck lands on top of him, landing punch after punch. His knuckles are bloodied and bruised but that doesn't stop him. Rockmond blocks the next one and flips them over, blood once again fills his mouth as Rockmound punches him hard. He uses all his strength and pushes him off and they catch their breaths, Rockmond breathing heavier than him. 

He should've known that Rockmond wouldn't fight fair, he ducks just in time when Rockmond uses the arm rest from the chair to hit him. He wasn't so lucky when he swing the second time, he manages to hit the top of his head and Buck stumbles, he reaches for the gun tucked in his waistband but comes up empty, it must fallen out when they were fighting. He catches the arm rest in his left hand when Rockmond goes for another swing and wrenches it out. It clatters on the floor, he can vaguely hear people shouting but he doesn't pay attention. He barrels into Buck and Buck lands on the floor, his back hitting the ground with a loud thud. They wrestle on the floor, both fighting for control. He lands another punch before he ends up on the floor with Rockmond on top of him, he manages to dodge the punch. He tries to shift their position but he has no luck. Pain blossoms in his shoulder and Buck glances at it, the pocket knife from before is embedded in his shoulder, it's in deep, embedded to the hilt. He lets out a scream when Rockmond twists it, causing the pain to spread it. He's heaving in pain when Rockmond pulls it out, and raises it above his head.

"Drop the knife." Steve orders, his gun pointed at him, along with Hondo's and Danny's

Buck can barely hear him over the pain clouding his brain. The knife clatters to the floor next him, and of course it manages to graze his ear. He groans in pain when Rockmond gets off him, his hands raised, but the sinister smile on his face remains.

"Good luck making sure that one lives." He hisses out.

He lets out a groan as two pairs of arms lift him up, he can vaguely make out Steve's and Hondo's arms.

"We leave you alone for 5 minutes and you managed to get yourself kidnapped," Danny sighs, "It's like you have a sixth sense for finding trouble." 

Buck manages to let out a small laugh before he stars coughing, blood coating the inside of his mouth. It reminds him of the embolism, he doesn't remember much but remembers the fear on everyone's faces as they watched him cough up blood. They have to drag him back to the car, Danny follwoing in the back with Rockmond next to him.

"Didn't kill 'im," Buck slurs out, trying to talk through the pain, "No revenge"

"You did good kid," Steve tell him as places him in the back of the truck, "Can you tell me what hurts."

"E'rything."

"C'mon Pit, you gotta be more specific." He prompts.

"Head, shot me, stabbed me." He manages to get out, the adrenaline fades away and everything hurts, breathing hurts, talking hurts, he just wants to sleep.

"Hey, hey keep your eyes open," Hondo says, gently patting his face, "You know the rules."

"'m tired." He mumbles out as his eyelids close.

_Buck blinks awake, the bed's empty but the other side was still warm. He gets up and walks to the kitchen, the smell of pancakes guiding him._

_"Morning sunshine," Toni calls out - Toni?_

_"Morning," Buck yawns, "I'm starving." He sits himself down on the island, taking in the picture of Toni's shirtless back, admiring the way his muscles rippled as he moves around the kitchen._

_"When are you not?" He laughs, plating the pancakes. He places the plate in front of Buck, "I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

_"Then wake up."_

_Buck frowns, confused, "I am awake?"_

_"Are you? I'm dead Buck," Toni places his hand on Buck's cheek, "You don't belong here."_

_"I-" Buck stammers, unable to form a sentence._

_"You need to go Buck," A new voice calls out, he whips his head around, Eve and Aliya stand there, hand in hand, "Your family needs you."_

_"You have a life out there Buck, go find them." Eve adds_

_Tears gather in his eyes, "I -"_

_"Evan," Toni grabs his face, his eyes soft, "Go, we'll be waiting for you, I love you cariño." He places a gentle kiss on his lips._

"Buck? Evan? Evan wake up dammit!"

He gasps for air, his chest heaving.

"Oh thank god," Danny's voice laden with relief, "If you die again, I'm going to kill you myself."

Eddie couldn't shake the feeling that something bad's going to happen today, despite only having an hour left on the shift. Buck's been gone for 4 days and Eddie's slowing going insane, the not knowing if Buck was safe was driving him crazy, to the point where he's left increasingly embarrassing voicemails to Buck, he can't even remember what he's said in half of them. 

The firehouse is quiet and it's a foreign feeling to everyone, they are so used to Buck's chatter filling up the house. Eddie can't help but remember the time when Buck wasn't there, first because fo the truck, then he embolism and the lawsuit. Those months without Buck was awful, he may have had Lena as his partner but no one compared to Buck. He trudges up the stairs, and plops himself onto the sofa. 

"When do you think he's coming back?" Chim asks.

Eddie doesn't want to answer, he's too scared, the fear of Buck not making it back from where ever he is is overwhelming. He can't lose Buck too.

"Hello?" A familiar voice calls out, Eddie turns around and sees Buck's mother walking into the station, her accented voice echoing in the quiet firehouse, "I'm looking for Evan's friends." He can hear her explain to Reynolds who points her in their direction. He shares a look with Chim and then Hen. He catches Bobby's eye as well, but he can't read him, he's never been able to read him, not like Buck could.

"Mrs Alaverz," Bobby greets her as she climbs up the stairs, "Is everything alright?" 

"Captain Nash, good to see you. Everything's fine," She explains, "I needed to talk to all of you, God knows I couldn't come by when Evan was here."

Eddie frowns at that, was Buck embarrassed by them?

"Please call me Bobby," He guides her to the dinging table, "Would like a glass of water?"

She waves him off, "I don't need anything, I just need to talk all of you."

Eddie takes a seat next to there, the others following suit as they settle in.

"I want to thank you all for giving Evan a family, a family that he so desperately needed. Before he joined the 118, he was lost," Warmth blossoms in his chest, he was forever grateful to have Buck in his life, "I remember the day he told me he joined the 118, I saw a light in his eyes that I hadn't seen for months, I was finally getting my Evan back." She turns to Bobby, "You loved him like a son, and lord knows the boy needed a proper father figure," Eddie manages to hide his frown, "And your wife too, Athena right?" Bobby nods, "Loved him like her own and I will forever be grateful for that," She turns to Hen and Chim, "You two, treated him like he was your brother, loved him, thank you. All of you made him realise that he wasn't alone, not anymore and all my gratitude could never be enough for what you've done for him." She places a hand on Eddie's and he has to fight the tears in his eyes, "You gave him the family he wanted, the family he could've had," Eddie nods, despite not fully understanding her, "He loves you, loves all of you," She waves her hand, "But you," She squeezes his, "He loves you the most, you gave him something to come back to. Without the 118, Evan wouldn't be here." Fear fills Eddie, he catches on to what she meant, and Eddie has to stop his mind from wandering into to dangerous territory.

"Thank you for telling us this," Bobby starts, his tone earnest but she holds her hand and Bobby stops talking, it was obvious that she had more to say.

"So when he told me that the reason he couldn't come back to work was because of Bobby, I got scared, I thought I would lose him, for good this time, I knew that he wouldn't survive losing everything again," Eddie clenches his hand to stop it form shaking and bites his tongue, keeping his questions to himself, "The 118, firefighting, was his life, after... everything," She pauses, he face tense, "The lawsuit wasn't the right thing to do, even though he had a case," She looks pointedly at Bobby and if she looked at him like that, Eddie doesn't know what he'd do, "But besides that, I am glad that he has all of you, he deserves something good after everything that's happened. I only wish that I was there for him."

"Thank you for coming to us but I hope you don't mind me asking, but why are you telling us all of this?" Chim asks, confusion clear on his face.

There's a rueful smile on her face and Eddie's heart drops at her sentence, "The next time I may see my son, he could be in a coffin or never at all, I could have to bury an empty coffin. I know I can''t survive losing another son, I need to tell you this if I - well, I don't need to explain it, I am old, who knows what could happen."

Eddie's felt fear before, he's felt it when he was getting shot at as dust and flew around around him, he's felt it when he was trapped 30 feet under the earth calling out for someone, anyone to help him, he's felt it when he saw Buck trapped under the firetruck but none of that compares to the fear he's feeling right now, being told that they might have to bury and empty coffin for Buck was sosmhting he never though he'd ever have to hear. 

"What? What do you mean?" Eddie had always prided himself when it came to control, well, prided himself when ti came to control _before L.A._ \- before Buck, his brain unhelpfully adds, but he can't keep the fear out of his voice.

"There's nothing to explain _niño,_ I wouldn't be able to survive losing another son, there is no other meaning to that," She place a hand on his cheek and it reminds him of his _Abuela_ , it's both comforting and heart wrenching.

"Buck had a bother?" Hen asks, just as confused as the rest of them.

She gives them a sad smile, "There is more than just one way to be someone's mother, he is my son in everything but blood," Eddie can see the tears in her eyes, "And I've made peace with the fact that the next time I see him, he could be in a coffin, I just wanted to tell you that you should too."

Her words echo in the firehouse and it's all too quiet, he can hear his blood rushing past and his heart beating too fast. 

"Eddie," Her voice is soft, and it reminds him so much of Buck, " _Te ama y si no sientes lo mismo, te pido que lo dejes estar en tu vida, él seguirá adelante eventualmente ." [He loves you and if you don't feel the same way, I ask you to let him be in your life, he will move on eventually.]_

Tears burn in his eyes, "No," Eddie watches as her face changes from comforting to anger and she opens her mouth but Eddie beats her to it, " _Lo queiro,"_ He's never been more sure about anything, " _Lo queiro y no lo dejaré ir." [I love him and I won't let him go.]_

She smiles and places a kiss on his forehead, " _Beinvenido a la familia Edmundo."_ She turns to the others, "Thank you for loving him," She hugs each of them and Eddie's never felt more warmth come from someone like it comes out of Buck's mother. She leaves after that and Eddie's left with more questions than answers.

Buck groans as another wave of pain washes over him.

"Bullet's gone through and through, so no surgery, that's good," Steve gently places him on his back.

"'here is 'e?" He slurs out.

"Belgian police are right behind us, he's being sent to Hawaii, Kono and Chin are going to collect him, he's wanted for 7 unsolved murders back home." Danny explains.

"Mhmm," He hums out, fighting to keep his eyes open but they're so heavy, "'m sleepy."

"No, none of that, you gotta stay awake, c'mon you're a first responder, you know all of this." Danny pats his check, trying tot keep him awake.

"Tired," He manages to get out before the world shifts to black.

_The first thing that Buck notices is how warm it is, it's a good type of warm. Like a hot chocolate in winter or a hug form a loved one after a long day._

_"Buck?" The voice is familiar but he can't place it to anyone, "Why are you here?"_

_Shannon._

_"Buck, what are you doing here?" She's in front of him, eyes filled with worry, "_ _Eddie needs you," She guides him to a colder place, he doesn't like it, "Chris needs his Bucky. Go to them Buck, they need you."_

_She pushes him out, "Thank you for loving my boys," Her voice is faint and distant, it's almost an echo._

It's bright, and warm, he can feel two pairs of hands on him, "Goddamnit Buckley, what'd I tell you about dying?" 

"Kill me." He manages to breathe out through the pain.

"Yeah, so stay awake. Tell me about L.A.," He prompts.

"'m happy," His voice sounds distant, "Love e'ryone, Eddie, love Eddie and Chris. Wanna be with Eddie and Chris." 

"I bet you do bud. Tell me about Chris."

"'e's the best kid," He smiles but by the way he sees Danny and Steve wince, he's sure that there's blood staining his teeth, "Doesn't let 'nything stop him, love 'im."

"He sounds amazing."

"He is." 

The car comes to a stop, and Buck can feel himself moving but everything's a blur. There's also some yelling but he can't make out what anyone's saying, the pain fogging his mind. They place him on something, it's soft and makes hime feel even more sleepy. There some more yelling and then darkness consumes him once more.

Buck wakes up to a steady beeping and he knows he's in a hospital, he's been in them enough to know it. The ever present acridc smell of antiseptic and bleach clogs up his nose, the harsh lighting that causes him a headache is currently turned off and he's grateful for it. Steve was on his right side, his head resting on the bed and Hondo and Danny were on his left, they were asleep as well; Hondo has his head resting on his hand and Danny's head's leaning against the wall. 

He reaches for the glass of water resting on the table next to him, careful not to wake them up, or at least he tries. Danny's the first one to stir, his eyes groggy until they make their way to Buck.

"Oh thank god," He breathes, "Here," He hands him the glass, "Drink up."

"Thanks," He mutters and winces in pain, his throat was scratchy.

Steve stirs next as Danny wakes up Hondo.

"You scared us there Buck," Steve comments, sitting up, "You died twice." 

Buck winces, "Sorry."

"Did - did he just apologise for dying?" Danny asks incredulously, "God." He sighs.

Buck goes to apologise but is stopped by Danny's glare.

"You lost a lot of blood, but luckily didn't need any surgery," Steve explains, "You've got lots of stitches though, stitches that need cleaning and proper care, we do not want a repeat of Cambodia now do we?" He looks pointedly at Buck.

"Right, no sir." He mock salutes.

Steve rolls his eyes, "Just make sure you clean the dressing okay?"

"Yes sir."

"Shut up."

Buck smirks in return.

"He's just like you," Danny quips, "Are you sure you're not related?"

"I gotta agree with Danno on this," Hondo adds, an amused grin on his face, "You know we're in hospital, I'm sure they have paternity tests here."

Steve deadpans and Buck laughs.

"When can I leave?" He asks.

"When can you - when can you leave? Kid you were kidnapped and tortured, you need to stay here and recover." Danny sighs in annoyance.

"Nothing that hasn't been done to me before," Buck waves his hand dismissively, "Plus I can recover better at home."

"I give up," Danny declares, "He is your son, I don't care what you have to say Steve."

"He's not my - Buck," He turns to face him, "You need to stay here, let the doctors treat you and then we can fly back home."

"I go home and I have 4 experienced healthcare workers willing to look after me." Buck counters.

They go back and forth for the next hour and Buck ends up winning. He also tries to persuade them to take the next flight back to L.A. but that's met with a 'don't test your luck,' so Buck takes his win and they leave the next day.

He bids Hondo goodbye and takes a taxi to the retirement home, Steve and Danny were on the flight to Hawaii.

He greet John and walks to _mamá's_ room.

" _¿_ _Mamá?"_ He calls out.

"Evan," She breathes as he steps into the room, she pulls hims into a bone crushing hug and he winces inwardly as she presses on his bruises, "You're back."

"I am," He smiles, "He's gone for good, he's going to face his punishment."

She cries in relief and Buck cries with her, finally allowing himself to relish the feeling of success, he finally did it.

" _Sentarse_ ," She gestures to he bed and he complies, "I went to the station the other day," She explains and his blood runs cold, he knows that she wouldn't tell them, but a small part of hims till fears that she did, " _Relajarse, no dije nada, es tu historia_ ," He relaxes, " _Pero, les dije que es posible que no vuelvas." [Sit, relax, I didn't say anything, it's your story but I did say that you may not come back.]_

_"Mamá!"_

_"¿Qué? Es verdad." [What? It's true]_

_"Pero todavía,"_ He argues back. _[But still]_

She waves her hand dismissivly, " _Ahora vete,"_ She orders, " _Tu familia te necesita." [Now go, your family needs you]_

 _"Pero_ what about you?"

She rolls her eyes, " _Tanto como me gustaría_ have you here, I know they need to see you more. I've done this for years, they haven't." She places a kiss on his forehead and guide him back out, " _Te amo."_ _[As much as I would like to]_

"I love you too." 

The apartment was exactly the way he left it, meaning no one had come in. His phone was still on the counter, miraculously still not dead yet, though it was very close to being dead. He grabs it and limps up the stairs, placing the on the nightstand to let it charge. He drops the duffle bag and grabs a fresh pair of clothes to change into. He glances and contemplates sending a text to the 118 group chat, on one hand he wants nothing more than to crawl into bed and deal with everything later but on the other hadn't he knows he owes them an explanation. In the end he gives up and grabs his phone. 

His eyes widen at the number of messages he has, mostly from Eddie, he'd also received several voicemails from him.

" _Hey Buck,"_ Eddie's voice filters though the phone and Buck's heart does flips, " _I don't know if you have your phone or not with you, but I miss you man. I mean you've only been gone a couple hours but I still miss you. How pathetic is that?"_

_"Dammit Buck where the hell are you? What the hell are you involved in? Are you in some gang?"_

_"Don't you trust us? Trust me? Chris was asking about you and for the first time I had to lie about where you were. I hated it."_

_"I broke up with Ana."_

_"I know I didn't say it back during the call but I love you too."_

_"I miss you Evan, your mother came today and I have no idea what she meant but I don't want you to die. I can't lose another person I love Buck, I can't."_

He can't listen to anymore of the messages, tears were burning his eyes and his heart clenched painfully. The raw pain in Eddie's voice made him want to hold him and never let go. He gets up and wipes away the tears, he has to do it now. 

_me:_

_i'm back home_

He places the phone back and goes to the bathroom for a quick shower, he's done in three minutes and he laughs at the memory of Danny being absolutely flabbergasted by Navy showers. He doesn't bother looking at his phone, he knows that they would've seen it or at least Eddie would've seen it so he goes straight to his drawer and pulls out the key to the safe. He unlocks it and takes the pictures and the rings. He places them on the bed and heads back into the bathroom for the first kid; he curses when he realises it's in his kitchen. 

Going down the stairs was definitely harder than climbing up, he wines in pain with every step he takes. His forehead is beaded with sweat by the time he reaches the bottom but he ignores it in favour of getting to he kitchen to dress his wounds. He tends to the stab wound on his thigh first, and he's glad that he picked a pair of shorts instead of his sweatpants. He bites his tongues to keep himself form screaming out when the antiseptic touches the wound. He then tends to the stitches on his forehead, replacing the old ones with the new - he was surprised (but grateful) to find that they were were no splinters in it the first time he dressed it. He strips himself of his shirt, and just as he was about to tend to the gunshot wound, there are 3 sharp knocks on his door. He drops the antiseptic soaked cotton pad and limps to the door. 

He's greeted by everyone, Maddie and Eddie stand at the front with the other behind them. 

"Buck," Maddie breathes and then her eyes roam across his body and widen, "Oh my god." Buck sighs inwardly, he knows it's not a good sight, he torso's littered with varying shades of bruise, the stitches being the only clear thing on his body.

He steps to the side and allows them in. It's eerily quiet but Buck doesn't have the courage to say anything so he limps back to the island and tends to the wounds. A hand wraps around his and he looks up to see brown eyes filled with worry.

"Let me, please." Eddie whispers but it echoes in the room. 

Buck nods and hands the rest to Eddie. He doesn't make eye contact with anyone, he doesn't know if he can. They spends the next 10 minute in what can only be described as awkward silence. 

"There, all done," Eddie declares, taking everything and dumping in the bin. He walks back in front of and stares at him expectedly.

"I owe you guys an explanation."

"You think?" Chim retorts.

He sighs before turning to Maddie, "Everything's on my bed, could you get it?"

She nods and walks up the stairs. 

Buck gets up and limps to the sofa, and they follow him.

"I was in Belgium," He say, taking a seat, the other following suit, "I - we - had finally found the man who killed half my team - family," He corrects himself, "The man who killed my husband."

There was sharp intake of a breath.

"Husband?" Hen asks gently.

He nods jerkily, trying to keep his tears at bay, "My husband, Toni." Maddie comes back handing him the photos and rings before string next to Chimney, "I signed up for the SEALs when I was 17," He looks at Bobby, the only other person who'd known he'd signed up for the SEALs other than Maddie, "I broke records when training, and passed each test with flying colour - I, uh, I was so good that I was handpicked to be part of a Special Ops team, I met him there, we did covert missions, stealth operations, rescues, you name it and we probably would've done it." He could see the hurt on Bobby's face when he realised that Buck had lied to him about the SEALs, "We were together for 9 years, before they died. I was married for 7." He passes around the photos to them, along with the rings, "They died after an Op went wrong, our target was more prepared than we thought. Eve and Aliya, my best friends, had died within minutes but Toni," He chokes, remembering the feeling of holding his lifeless body, "Toni - we'd made it back to the base but he wouldn't survive the night, he died in my arms; I watched him die." He doesn't hold back the sob this time, "It was going to be our 10 year anniversary that day," He explains, they're smart enough to know what he was talking about, "That was supposed to be our last Op before we retired from the Navy."

Arms wrap around him as he continues to cry and he's never felt more grounded before, "We were going to have kids," He mourns the loss of his husband and what they were going to have.

"I'm so sorry Buck," Someone whispers, "I am so sorry."

"After that I roamed the world for two months," He hiccups, "I got drunk and high and used sex as an escape - I used it to forget the hurt, the emptiness I felt. I moved to Hawaii and stayed there for close to 8 months before I went back to Peru to see _mamá_. I lived with her until we moved to L.A. so I could become a firefighter - Toni always wanted to be one, so I did it for him. It was my way of keeping him alive." 

He hears Bobby take in a sharp breath and Buck can make out what sounds like an apology but he's too tired to care. 

"Thank you for telling us Buckaroo." _Hen_ his mind supplies.

Eddie hasn't said a single word since and Buck's afraid that he's scared him off but he surprises Buck when he grabs his hands and interlaces their fingers together.

"How did you get hurt?" Eddie whispers.

"I-" Buck wants to lie, he really does but after seeing the earnest look and raw love in his eyes, Buck knows he can't, "I was tailing him and he found me, he, uh, he," He tires to come with something to gloss over the fact that he was literally kidnapped and tortured but Eddie seems to catch on.

"Don't lie to me Buck, please."

He sighs in resignation, "He kidnapped and tortured me." 

"What?" Eddie looks like he's going to explode.

"I'm fine now," He soothes him, "I'm here and I'm alive, it's going to take a lot more than a gunshot wound and a couple of stabbings to stop me from coming back home."

Eddie blinks, " _Dios_ , I don't think I want to know."

Buck laughs, " _Estás seguro de que?" [Are you sure about that?]_

 _"Sí,"_ Eddie fires back.

"Since when did you speak fluent Spanish?" Chim interjects.

"Since Toni, it was a part of him and his culture, plus it doesn't kill to know a couple of languages."

"I'm sorry did you just say couple?" Hen asks, disbelief woven into her voice.

"Yeah," Buck's smug, it's one of the things he proud of, "I speak 5 languages fluently and can manage basic conversation in 3."

"What?" Chim's dumfound and Buck can't help but laugh as he shrugs in response and then immediately regrets it as pain shoots up his arm.

"You know what, my brain can't take this right now but you better believe that I'm going to find out later." 

"I know you will." 

"I'm glad you're home safe Buck," Bobby adds.

"Me too."

They leave after some time, everyone except Eddie.

"We need to talk." Eddie declares, shutting the door and walking back Buck.

Buck raises an eyebrow, "You're breaking up with me?" He jokes.

Eddie rolls his eyes and sits down next to Buck, "Shut up."

Buck just laughs in response.

"I don't know if you heard any of my voicemails but these few day without you were awful. Not knowing where you were and if you were coming back was one of the scariest experiences of my life," Buck goes to apologise but Eddie continues talking, not giving him the chance, "I was lying to myself when I was with Ana, I was terrified of liking a man and I ran away form my feelings. It wasn't until you called that day and said that you may not come back that I realised I should've said something sooner."

"You know for someone who says he's not good with words, you seem to do be doing pretty damn good."

Eddie swats Buck's arms, "It took my two days to come up with what I was going to say," Eddie retaliates, "When your mother told us that the next time we see you, you could be in a coffin or worse. I lost it and I knew that day that if you came back, I would never let you go. I love you Buck, I love you and I can't lose you."

"I'm not going anywhere Ed," Buck reassures, "I'm right here."

"But you weren't."

Eddie's right and Buck knows it, "I died. Twice."

The fear that he sees in Eddie's eyes when he admits what Steve told him is something that he never wants to see as long as he lives. 

"What?" 

Buck steles his nerves and looks him in the eyes, "I flatlined twice on the way to the hospital, I'd lost a lot of blood."

"Buck," Eddie's voice wavers and Buck regrets telling him, "But I'm here, and I'm not leaving." He says firmly and it was true, he's not leaving, "I'm not leaving you again, I promise."

Eddie pulls him into a hug and Buck welcomes the warmth that he brings. He pulls away and look shim in the eye, the unspoken question floating in the air. Eddie nods and that's all Buck needs before he's leaning forward, Eddie meets him halfway. He hasn't kissed a man since Toni but he knows that he doesn't want to stop kissing Eddie. His lips were soft and Buck could taste the mint gum that Eddie loved. Eddie pulls back first, breathing heavily, Buck was fine though, maybe a little breathless but he could hold his breath for so much longer.

Buck could tell that there were a million more thing Eddie wanted to say but he's grateful that he doesn't, he kisses him once more, this time more gently and he relishes this moment.

" _Te amo."_

_"Te amo mucho."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> your comments and kudos on the prevues chapter literally made my whole week, i kid you not. but i hope this lives up to your expectations and i'm sorry if the end seemed a bit rushed.
> 
> i do have more seal!buck wips if you're curious so lookout for those i guess?
> 
> feel free to check out [my tumblr !](http://ho1yhell.tumblr.com/) and leave prompts/asks/whatever the fuck you like!
> 
> hope ya'll enjoyed this and have a great day!

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you guys liked this, the second bit will be uploaded in a few week cause i gotta write it lmao. feel free to check out my tumblr if you want. 
> 
> https://ho1yhell.tumblr.com
> 
> i'm not super active but hey i'll try my best


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